My First, My Last, Your Everything Else - Comments

[Paladin]

Some words about some of the stories posted so far, but not really in-depth or anything...

Kindness of Strangers by LisaTeez. Good story, but I think I liked the other submission better. I liked the slow slide to submission, though!

Directors at the Oasis by Ghosthostblue. I liked this romp, another long, slow, hot slide! An odd flavor of IN pops up, but not enough to squick me at all. It helps that there is no real IN.

Success by Kris P. Kreme. I liked this one quite a bit. The turn, the surprise, the denouement. Nice story.

More Ink, Less Think by Mudak. Another fun tale, even if I am not big on tats. Nice simmering!

Student Announcements by Kris P. Kreme. Nice tech approach, classic AV geek fantasy. I think this was a more fun tale than the previous story, but both are great.

Only One Wish by Paladin. Based on a long-simmering tale of man whose girlfriend keeps changing into Playmate centerfolds every month. A longer version may eventually make the EMCSA.

The Terrible Misfortunes of Artemis T. Fogg by LisaTeez. Rollicking 3 wishes story wherein, predictably, not everything goes well. Nicely done with a light touch and good humor.

The Beloved by Boris Ludmenkov. I think this is my favorite so far, and I cannot put my finger on why. It is certainly well written and a nice take on a fairly classical fantasy, but it just really does nice things for me.

(If I did not mention your story, it was probably more because it just did not pull me in than anything more significant. I'm just not really in the mood for reading everything right now.)

[Mudak]

Thank you, Paladin!  I'm glad you enjoyed!

[Kris P. Kreme]

Hey Paladin, thanks for reading both those. I have one last one laying around here someplace. Yes, I actually had three this month. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the Arena.

With Lisa around, it's probably not a record, but it's a personal best for me. Only ever entered 2 in one month before.

Look for the final one tomorrow or something. 

[Writerzblocked]

Nice to see Boris L contributing on this one - knowing his professed attraction to a certain redheaded actress, I hope my ending stirs up something, or at the very least causes something to stir     I thought I got stuck with a difficult final quote, but kudus to Paladin to making mine look positively easy to work in - talk about a tough job done well.  Am I the only one who drew an overtly sexual quote? 

---Good thing we write sex stories, huh?  ---

WZB

[KhakiAchilles]

Thoughts about Only One Wish by Paladin

Spoilers...

This is an entertaining tale combining guilt-free sex with multiple partners and deep, meaningful sex within a committed relationship.  It seems like the author drew a blank on fitting the final quote into the story, but it works reasonably well as a story-ending gag.

Interestingly, the girlfriend's original middle-aged personality doesn't seem to ever make it back into the protagonist's life.  I like to think that the original Jennifer is not really gone forever, just trapped somewhere within a sort of sexual limbo.

[Paladin]

Thoughts about Only One Wish by Paladin

Spoilers...

This is an entertaining tale combining guilt-free sex with multiple partners and deep, meaningful sex within a committed relationship.  It seems like the author drew a blank on fitting the final quote into the story, but it works reasonably well as a story-ending gag.

Interestingly, the girlfriend's original middle-aged personality doesn't seem to ever make it back into the protagonist's life.  I like to think that the original Jennifer is not really gone forever, just trapped somewhere within a sort of sexual limbo.

Thanks for the comments! And, were you peeking over my shoulder when editing? I was writing merrily away when I notices that I was pushing 8000 words and had to do some serious cutting. I was going to go more changes, and a steady re-emergence of Jen's personality.

I've also freely and cheerfully admitted that I sorta bashed the quotes on to a story I had been thinking about for a while.

[euanthe]

Hey,

Oh my God. I turned my back for how long? I feel like the maid. I just cleaned this. Can't you keep it clean for five minutes? Of course, I posted a story too: I'm part of that darkness now. It's in me, Leo...

So...

BorisLudmenkov's The Beloved

Yet another make a wish story. Still, it's a little different, and the wish is purely a mechanism to get to the story the author wants to tell. Which is a lot different, and fits in well with the lines he received as part of the contest. There was some hot sex in the middle, and the consultant (Fiona, too, huh. Weird-ish coincidence) was just a little bit different and interesting as she really felt like she was enjoying what she was doing. Maybe even felt like she deserved to be called those kinds of names. And it was damn fine that the main character didn't take too much advantage of her, either. That the main-character's desire to do some of those things - particularly knocking her up - was called 'caveman conciousness' was just a wonderful touch that really made the story for me. The homosexual aspects weren't made implicit, but they weren't ignored either which was a nice touch. It was very topical, which means it mightn't age well, though I understand shorn of the superstructure of their contest restrictions contest stories often don't anyway. Some people might find it a touch odd, too, touching as it does on real politics: I, for example, voted for the Condem(n) Coalition... no, no, I won't try to get an infrastructure thread dumped in the Keep of Toxic Things. Anyway, I thought those touches were funny, but they were a bit of an erotic stop for me.

PS: KPK, yeah, you know the drill.
[/quote]

[KhakiAchilles]

Just assume potential spoilers from this point onwards.

Thoughts about...

The Terrible Misfortunes of Artemis T. Fogg by lisateez

Another excellent story from lisateez. She managed to draw another tough quote and really make it work in context.  Interestingly, I get a consistent retro vibe from this story too.  It reads like a mix of classic Twilight Zone and the 1970s porn underground, which is definitely a fertile mix.

The Beloved by BorisLudmenkov

This is a well-written and entertaining story -- sort of an eroticized reimagining of The Mule from "Second Foundation".  I was impressed that the author went for the "big" ending.

[euanthe]

Hey,

Writerzblocked's $1.99 Per Minute

Hey. Well, it was good. Especially the beginning, where the main character was being painted. The ending was a bit confused, but I think if I'd read the Martian Chronicles it would've made more sense, maybe? Again a whole host of fetishes done in a not-at-all tickbox way, which was good. The lines fit in well (and the end one was very similar to my own for my last story, which was a little weird for me). In any-case, another good one.

Dictionary Rainbow's Sakamoto Realties: Part 3, Fuyumi

There's an awful lot to like about this story. The opening line sets a mafia theme, and the end one... well that's a fine ending for any slightly 'pathic mind-control story. I don't know if truly has a Japanese feeling, or if it's just matching the fake Japanese feeling from the same places I get mine: Film, Console Games, Anime and Manga. 'It's not a matter of fingers', has both a very Yakuza feeling, manages to be funny and says something important about the main character's character too. It's quite common to have a dislikeable woman get turned into a slave, but this is usually a bitchy businesswoman. The main character here, okay, she is a bitchy businesswoman but she also chops fingers off and fits people for concrete footwear. Strangely, the story curiously pulls off my liking her even as I don't sympathise with her. Also noteworthy is that we're inside the main characters head as she's transformed into a maid-slave. We've no idea how it happens, but what happens is both real and hilarious (I won't spoil it though). Despite a lack of sex, the story doesn't suffer in eroticism at all, fulfilling a long list of fetish-fuel requirements in a way that feels very natural to the story. Very, very good story and I'm both pleased and impressed that the author used this competition to advertise it and its sibling-stories.

Vanderbilt's Sculpt

This is a a good 'un. A well-written story of lesbianism and mind-control in a very artistic sense. It's good fun, and the main character's fall is well-drawn. The subtlety of the end is a nice touch, enough that you almost get to pick how you'd like it to end. I'm not sure about that, personally, though the ending I picked was that the lesbian main character's wife/civil-partnership-life-partner was the one coming and asking to be enslaved besides her wife. Another nice touch, which hooked in with the opening line, was that the (also lesbian) controller had a son, which is pretty rare and adds something to the verisimilitude. Anyway, well worth a read.

PS: A long, long way past funny, but it is, I promise, the turn of KPK's three stories next.

Yours,

euanthe

[Vanderbilt]

Thanks euanthe

I tried to write it so that a reader might imagine an alternative parallel story going on with Tasha and Mallory unseen by the reader. i had in mind a number of deirdre's stories where similar parallel things happen to married couples.

[BorisLudmenkov]

The Beloved by BorisLudmenkov

This is a well-written and entertaining story -- sort of an eroticized reimagining of The Mule from "Second Foundation".  I was impressed that the author went for the "big" ending.

Thank you for the kind words. I hadn't noticed the similarity with The Mule until you pointed it out although he is a classic Miind Controller. I don't get the impression he got very much nookie though.

And I sort of had to go for the "big" ending given the quotation I was handed: you should have seen the other story I started which had a King Of The World with reality bending powers.

[euanthe]

Hey,

Success! by Kris P. Kreme

This was funny. The lines very much led into writing an MD story, which is exactly what KPK did - with a twist. In fact, it's an interesting take on the whole controller turns girl into slut and gets comeuppance. It's worth noting that there's not really any evilness in the story at all, which is pretty challenging given the story form. It's not, I should say, my favourite story form. But it's a well-done piece which I, at least, quite enjoyed reading.

Student Announcements by Kris P. Kreme

I didn't like it. There were some funny moments, but... I just didn't like it. It felt a bit too real, in some ways. Not quite fantastical enough, you know, when it's at a stage of people's lives when they're learning and making all sorts of mistakes, usually without consequences but in this case... anyway. I'm sure it'll float many people's boats. It's a popular genre - admittedly, usually populated by authors less capable than KPK - but that its one of the best examples I've ever read only makes it stand out more from the herd I think. Still... not quite my cup of 'nip.

I'm No Angel by Kris P. Kreme

Hey! Don't be messing with my mind when you're telling me this story... I uh, what was I saying? Well, it's a smorgasboard of KPK's various fetishes. Very sexy. Anyway, it's a fine story, with lots for MD fans. Although the main character is a bad guy, he doesn't see himself as much more than naughty, which makes him almost likeable. Enough to quite enjoy the bad and kinda slutty things he does to, well, women. It's definitely my favourite of this little story-collection. The two lines are well fitted, too.

Yours,

euanthe

[Writerzblocked]

Hey,

Writerzblocked's $1.99 Per Minute

Hey. Well, it was good. Especially the beginning, where the main character was being painted. The ending was a bit confused, but I think if I'd read the Martian Chronicles it would've made more sense, maybe?

heh, I seriously doubt it. It's just one of those where you've either seen the film "American Pie" and get the reference or you don't.  The Bradbury story "The Martian" was the impetus for the theme on this one, but the final quote is so specific to the film source (and hasn't made its way into the general public consciousness for obvious reasons - unlike the vast majority of the others I've seen so far here) that it only left me with two options - using it as a complete non-sequitur or risking a lot of confusion by alluding to the actual film moment.  Seeing as the film moment is fairly iconic to a whole generation of nerds (not to mention to fans of a particular ex-Buffy actress) I didn't spend a whole lot of time debating which approach I was going to take 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYWQAg12Ko0#noexternalembed&feature=related

If and when I eventually re-write the story so the line doesn't necessarily have to be the closer, I'll try and make it a bit less confusing to those particular nerds who haven't seen the film.

---thanks for the kind words---

WZB

[euanthe]

Hey,

Yeah, I'm familiar with the quote - in fact I was assigned a very similar one for my own story (the last one posted into the competition). In your own, it was the few ending paragraphs where I didn't understand clearly what was going on, though it was none the worse for that I thought.

Yours,

euanthe,

[Writerzblocked]

Hey,

Yeah, I'm familiar with the quote - in fact I was assigned a very similar one for my own story (the last one posted into the competition).

So I noticed.  I dunno if this was a case of our esteemed host having to stretch for quotes or if he just happened to like that particular movie that much 

---plenty of other good lines in it---

WZB

[G-man001]

I was very skeptical about this contest at first...I could see the movie lines coming from a mile away, forced starts...but I have been so so surprised! I've loved so many of the stories. There were cow girls, tattoos, farva beans! I became a fan of euthane nearly overnight! Hopefully, I'll be able to get a vote into wes soon. It'll be tough. Here's a big round of applause as the credits roll up to the people who made this event so great!

Now if only I had gotten around to mine. One of my lines was damn good too. Dorks with panties...shudder. Anyway, back to bar review and congrats to the authors.

[Vanderbilt]

good luck with that bar review

i heartily recommend PMBR for the multiple choice test

[euanthe]

I became a fan of euthane nearly overnight!

Me? Thank you very much!

e.

[Kris P. Kreme]

Thanks Euanthe! Impressed you read so much this month, and glad you found one of my offerings to enjoy.

And here, I thought you were messin with my head with the hints of reading to come.

[euanthe]

Hey,

Yeah. Never again, I think. Steph and Bad-Kitty et-al are stronger than I, doing something similar and more every week, let alone every month. It was a little your own fault anyway. I read your first in a moment I didn't have time to comment, then someone else posted another and when I read that I did have the time to comment. Then you posted another, and it was like: 'okay, if I read these two stories I've reviewed two authors, but if it's these two it's just KPK'. Then it became a bit of a running gag for me, right at the end of the month when there was a big posting-rush to get in for the end of the contest. Not that I'm judging, because there's me in there two. My first and my last. Kind of apropos, I guess, though I swear I didn't plan it.

Anyway, I think you're owed a genuine apology for messing with you, even if just a little. So, here it is: I'm sorry,

Yours,

e.

[KhakiAchilles]

Thoughts about

Infinity City Origin Stories: Friesia by euanthe

This a story set within a shared, fictional universe, so I'll leave it to others to judge on that basis. 

As a stand-alone story, I have some issues.  The story is set to an eighties soundtrack that punctuates and underscores the action at strategic points to produce the "beating me over the head" effect.  On the other hand, it's not exactly clear what Friesia's superpowers are, exactly.  The Marvel Comics canonical formula for an animal-cognate character is that she should have the proportional strength, durability, and reflexes of, say, an Aberdeen-Angus heifer.  So where does mind control come from?

Euanthe deserves some credit here because it seems like it could be rather difficult to write origin stories for superheroes.  If we presume that average people are getting superpowers in this fictional universe, then some characters are going to have origin stories that are not particularly story-worthy.  Combine that with a highly constraining quote choice and one gets a writing challenge.

I'm No Angel by Kris P. Kreme

The story is written well enough, but it does have a few subtle flaws.  The basic assumption is that the mind controller can walk down the street shocking the masses with sexual havoc.  Working against this is the assumption that the public at large nearly unanimously views utterly random, reality warping sexual transformations as an entirely normal opportunity for personal gratification.

The other flaw is slightly similar.  If you had consequence-free, mind-body warping powers, how long would you be content to restrain yourself to turning college co-eds into cocksuckers?  Most people would "go off the deep end" after a while as their fantasies became more and more bizarre.

[Kris P. Kreme]

Thanks Khaki, as for the flaws pointed out, I'd only say the story is told from the controller's perspective so he may tend to embellish or tell his tale from a clearly tall-tale manner of telling. Also, other than that the controller is actually a he, I wasn't really wanting to make it too obvious he was a human. Simply that he enjoyed doing what he did and was no angel about it.

Yeah, there's flawed logic in most my stuff but I tend to ignore it. Glad you read through it and gave it the review.

[KhakiAchilles]

Don't get me wrong, Kris.  "Flawed" is much stronger than what I really meant.  "Flawed logically" is certainly not true at all.

[Dictionary Rainbow]

Directors at the Oasis Ghosthostblue

I fell in love with GHB's work when I advised him on his entry from last month. He has a wonderful sense of the English language that I'm kind of jealous of. Also, he's the closest I've read on this site to what I believe Jonathan Lethem would be like if he wrote MC stories (minus the LSD feel). Like his last entry, this one had a very dream like feel to it.

I didn't get the inset thing. Looking at the last line, I get it, but still, I don't get it. Maybe because it's not a fetish of mine. I also thought the girls' friendship was a little weird. If I were Maya, I would have gotten sick of Donita pretty soon. But sometimes females have weird relationships like that. I've seen it with my wife and my sister, for me personally though, it would have been a bit overbearing.

The heat did get some jingle in my pocket, the porn star aspect and the cheating and the mountainous ta-tas. The sex scene was also nicely written, but overall the story lacked that little bit of dirt and sleaziness about it to really ring my bell. It's a fine story and I enjoyed it, but the lack of that dirtiness makes me think I'll put it in my third story slot as of now.

[ghosthostblue]

Thanks to all who've commented on "Directors". I've fallen a bit behind on my reading after June ended up getting so busy—no way I could have written my story if I hadn't plowed into it straightaway. I'll try to get in another Random Review or two before this contest fades into history.

Wes—how long do we have until votes are tallied?

Also to Dictionary Rainbow—Changing Annie has already morphed a whole lot (I hope others don't have to go through these extreme hoops to get a story to find its voice). Different title (Annie's name is no longer Annie), third-person omniscient instead of two first-person narratives, and there are additional characters. Someday it will get posted to the archive.