Hot Flashes!

[Michelle]

http://tzone.the-croc.com/tzeplist/chaser.html

I used the name 'Alan Austen' for the young man, and no name for the old man, as per John Collier's short story 'The Chaser', upon which the TZ ep was based.

Hmmm, I might have a vague recollection.

Funny how values change - many guys today would have still given her the "glove cleaner."

[XRay_Specks]

“Yeah, baby, shake that ass!”
Linda turned her ass toward the men in the parking lot and shook it in a lewd manner. She smiled back at them over her shoulder. Once again, she silently cursed That Evil Bastard for doing this to her.
 “Hey, come on over here.” Linda strutted toward them, swaying her hips seductively. The men couldn’t believe their luck. 
“Awesome! Hey, gorgeous, what’s your name?”
“Linda” She wished she could lie.
“You want to party with us?”
Big smile. “Sure!” She wished she could tell the truth.
The men led her to a beat-up old sedan and they piled in, two in the back with her, the driver ignoring every traffic law to get wherever they were going quickly. Seconds later, Linda was naked and blowing one of the guys, showing every evidence of enjoying herself, while the other fingered her wet snatch.
In her mind, she silently cursed That Evil Bastard for doing this to her.

[Jabberwock]

Wow, this thread is so great! Many of these shorts should go up on the archive. Too bad Simon has that minimum length thing.
Much appreciation to all the contributors here, kudos and ImNotWorthy's all around.

[Writerzblocked]

“Yeah, baby, shake that ass!”
Linda turned her ass toward the men in the parking lot and shook it in a lewd manner. She smiled back at them over her shoulder. Once again, she silently cursed That Evil Bastard for doing this to her.
 “Hey, come on over here.” Linda strutted toward them, swaying her hips seductively. The men couldn’t believe their luck. 
“Awesome! Hey, gorgeous, what’s your name?”
“Linda” She wished she could lie.
“You want to party with us?”
Big smile. “Sure!” She wished she could tell the truth.
The men led her to a beat-up old sedan and they piled in, two in the back with her, the driver ignoring every traffic law to get wherever they were going quickly. Seconds later, Linda was naked and blowing one of the guys, showing every evidence of enjoying herself, while the other fingered her wet snatch.
In her mind, she silently cursed That Evil Bastard for doing this to her.

I liked the dichotomy in the three lines I highlighted.  Very effective.

In the future, to make these a bit easier to read, I would suggest changing the format to the same format you would use if you sent it to Simon - put a space between paragraphs.

---good job---

WZB

[flibinite]

XRay -  I liked your last story, too, and thanks for keeping things going for us a bit, here... 

Jabberwock -  Welcome and I hope you have some fun here.

I think this story has already been done before, perhaps even in this thread, but will post it anyway.  One of my MC, less than 300 word attempts... thanks...


Nightcrawler

I'm a sound sleeper, so I'm smart enough to shut off the answering machine at night.  Yes, smart.

I picked up the phone after the third ring (or was it the thirteenth?), the clock shining its blue "3:30" in my eyes.  I felt that thick knot of fear begin to build inside me, the one everyone always gets with such a late-night call.

"Hello?"

Nonsense syllables.

"What?" I said, my mind not comprehending, but my body shivering from shoulders to thighs.

"Did I wake you?"  A soft laugh.  "Three times tonight, baby -- for me."

One of my hands had already reached beneath my nightshirt, and was sliding over my sensitized labia.  My other hand was putting the phone on the pillow against my ear, freeing itself to begin to use my aroused breasts in earnest.

"Wh... What's happening?"

That laugh again.  "You never remember, do you, honey?  The bathroom... at the train station?"

I hadn't been in the train station in two weeks.  I groaned as my hips lifted and a perfectly manicured finger dipped into my slick pussy.

"Maybe I'll let you remember someday.  You liked me -- I know you did." I could feel the thick need in that voice.

I could feel it in my greasy cunt, too.  I moaned helplessly as I plunged deeper, mauled at a throbbing tit through my shirt.

"Three times, baby.  Have fun, and I'll talk to you soon."

I barely heard the click as I forgot about the phone and tore at my body like the slut that I am. I also forgot if sluts are allowed to cry.

So I did that, too -- right up until the moment when my first orgasm nearly shook me off the bed.

---------------

        Jo

[Michelle]

I liked it, Jo. I really do have to point out that you are getting a little darker all the time.

Nice feeling of being disoriented. Also a good job at anchoring those feelings to an experience we can all relate to - the late night call. (I am not sure I love the line where you actually say: the one everyone always gets with such a late-night call. but only because it seemed to put too fine of a point on it. I don't have a major issue with the line though.)

I also liked the fact that she is just as much in the dark on what happened as the rest of us!

Was it deliberate to not say whether the caller was male or female?

[Chase the Wind]

“Yeah, baby, shake that ass!”
Linda turned her ass toward the men in the parking lot and shook it in a lewd manner. She smiled back at them over her shoulder. Once again, she silently cursed That Evil Bastard for doing this to her.
 “Hey, come on over here.” Linda strutted toward them, swaying her hips seductively. The men couldn’t believe their luck. 
“Awesome! Hey, gorgeous, what’s your name?”
“Linda” She wished she could lie.
“You want to party with us?”
Big smile. “Sure!” She wished she could tell the truth.
The men led her to a beat-up old sedan and they piled in, two in the back with her, the driver ignoring every traffic law to get wherever they were going quickly. Seconds later, Linda was naked and blowing one of the guys, showing every evidence of enjoying herself, while the other fingered her wet snatch.
In her mind, she silently cursed That Evil Bastard for doing this to her.

Wow! Great job of getting very hot, very fast!!

I'd have moved "silently cursed That Evil Bastard for doing this to her." to be both the first and last lines, particularly since it shows up so early in the first few lines.

I also liked how she wished she could lie, and then wished she could tell the truth. Made me wonder what exactly exactly the command was. Definitely made me want to read more. I was even able to fill in some of my own details - like she was standing there in heels and a thong. Mostly b/c that's what I wanted to see. 

Chase

[Ms Myrrh]

"What Wolf dresses in pink?" Kyle asked with a sneer.

"I'm also wearing black," I replied with a wink, lifting my black leather skirt a few inches so he could see the tops of my black hose.

"Babe, go change outta that Hello Kitty crap and come back lookin' like you really belong here," he said.

"But Kyle, Baybee, just look at the sparkles on her little bow!  Don't they just twinkle at you?"

"Girl, what the fuck you tryin' to pull?  I said, go get in your Wolf outfit.  James-guys are gonna be here soon and it'll be time to ride."

I jiggled my breasts a bit, making the sparkles on my pink Hello Kitty shirt shimmer.

"Just one kiss?" I asked.  He kissed me, my pink lipstick smearing on his lips.  We tongued and I made sure the lipstick got in his mouth.

"Girl, what'd you do to me?" he asked as he stumbled against his chopper.  I grinned and snapped my fingers.  The Feds surprised me even though I knew they'd be coming.

---

X-Ray I particarly liked the "tell the truth/lie" dichotomy.  Made me happy.   

-M

edited to fix a typo. :-P

[BlueLyric]

Verrrrry interesting, Ms....

[flibinite]

Michelle - Good catch, and thank you for reading and for your nice comments about "Nightcrawler". 

You said -

(I am not sure I love the line where you actually say: the one everyone always gets with such a late-night call. but only because it seemed to put too fine of a point on it. I don't have a major issue with the line though.)

That was an add-in, that did make a fine point, that I put there for one specific reason.  After I wrote and read what I had written, I felt that if I didn't put that line in there, that it appeared too much at first glance that the woman's fear was based on the fact that she knew what the call was about before she answered it. 

The rest of the story gave lie to that assumption, and I'm too much of a spoon-feeder as a writer, like things to run too linearly, to allow the reader to think one thing, then turn it around on them to no intended purpose.

So I added that line to leave no doubt as to the reason for the "knot of fear" that she was feeling.  Please know I did debate that, though, and that's what I meant when I told you good catch.  And the unknown sex of the caller was entirely deliberate, just so each reader could fill that any way they found most arousing.

Speaking of good catch, I was wonder if you, Michelle, or anyone else that reads my story, will answer me two questions, either here (preferred) or via IM.  If you do, then thank you in advance.  I'm asking because I use all my Forum writing to try new things, to try to learn things about my writing and people's expectations and interpretations of what I write.  So the questions...

1) Did you notice the increasing coarseness of the language ("sensitized labia" to "slick slit" to "greasy cunt", and "aroused breasts" to "throbbing tit") as whatever the caller triggered in her turned her into more and more of a slut?  If so, was it marginally seamless and subliminal, or did it appear as a writer's trick?

2) Do you think the story would be better without the last paragraph?  I think the story would be more evocative without it, more open, but would lose some of its eroticism, some of its "completeness".  I'm just curious what others think.

Thanks again, Michelle, and congratulations again on becoming our first five-star (I have a thing I do with perfume I call a "five-star", but 'nuf said about that...)

        Jo

[flibinite]

Great story, Ms Myrrh, and makes me think you've "run with the pack" before.  I especially liked the ending, though I couldn't quite tell if she had drugged him somehow with her lipstick.  I think so, but I read a lot of stories like that on another site, being a big fan of the long-running Claire Baxter series, if any of you have ever read them.

But a very nice, edgy story, MM, truly... 

       Jo

[Ms Myrrh]

Yeah, the drug was in the lipstick.  I wanted to see if I could misdirect the reader with Hello Kitty glitter.  Cuz you knew she was going to MC him somehow.

I LOVE Hello Kitty.  Despite the fact that its an empty brand.  Branding just for brandings sake.  Did you know there's even a HK toaster that burns her face into your toast?  And plays music while it's toasting.  And says, in Japanese, something along the lines of "your toast is ready!" when it pops up.  That is SO cool.

-M

[Michelle]

Michelle - Good catch, and thank you for reading and for your nice comments about "Nightcrawler". 

You said -

(I am not sure I love the line where you actually say: the one everyone always gets with such a late-night call. but only because it seemed to put too fine of a point on it. I don't have a major issue with the line though.)

That was an add-in, that did make a fine point, that I put there for one specific reason.  After I wrote and read what I had written, I felt that if I didn't put that line in there, that it appeared too much at first glance that the woman's fear was based on the fact that she knew what the call was about before she answered it. 

The rest of the story gave lie to that assumption, and I'm too much of a spoon-feeder as a writer, like things to run too linearly, to allow the reader to think one thing, then turn it around on them to no intended purpose.

So I added that line to leave no doubt as to the reason for the "knot of fear" that she was feeling.  Please know I did debate that, though, and that's what I meant when I told you good catch.  And the unknown sex of the caller was entirely deliberate, just so each reader could fill that any way they found most arousing.

Speaking of good catch, I was wonder if you, Michelle, or anyone else that reads my story, will answer me two questions, either here (preferred) or via IM.  If you do, then thank you in advance.  I'm asking because I use all my Forum writing to try new things, to try to learn things about my writing and people's expectations and interpretations of what I write.  So the questions...

1) Did you notice the increasing coarseness of the language ("sensitized labia" to "slick slit" to "greasy cunt", and "aroused breasts" to "throbbing tit") as whatever the caller triggered in her turned her into more and more of a slut?  If so, was it marginally seamless and subliminal, or did it appear as a writer's trick?

2) Do you think the story would be better without the last paragraph?  I think the story would be more evocative without it, more open, but would lose some of its eroticism, some of its "completeness".  I'm just curious what others think.

Thanks again, Michelle, and congratulations again on becoming our first five-star (I have a thing I do with perfume I call a "five-star", but 'nuf said about that...)

        Jo

1. I didn't specifically note the language becoming more coarse but I think that's a good thing. It means that it was seamless. I think, as a rule, language should become more graphic as control is lost or the person's mindset is altered.

It's a little like the thread from a week or two where I mentioned that I believe that something that might be a turn-off at the beginning of a story might be hot towards the middle or the end. I think that a reader understands that there is a progression as a story goes on - hopefully they are progressing right along with the story. Language that becomes cruder is one effective way to accomplish that goal.

I also think a lot can be sad about holding back on the really graphic word use so that when you do use it there is a strong effect on the reader - even if it is subliminal.

2. I don't know that I would ditch the whole last paragraph. I might have just left it as So I did that, too. That has a brevity to it and makes it end on a poignant note. I like it as it is though, which would be a more sexual note. I suppose it all depends on what you want to final note/emotion to be.

[Chase the Wind]

Ms. M. I got the bit about the lipstick - seemed obvious, really. Though, I could see the misdirection as well.

A little confused by the feds, since there was no lead up. Was it a bust? Were the feds much later? (Didn't think so, since it was in the same paragraph.)

Not sure the feds thing was really necessary, as it is kind of a "gotcha" thing for the reader. I'd much rather something sexual be the gotcha, ya know?

Oh, and I liked the Hello Kitty stuff too.

[Michelle]

I'm telling you right NOW that there is something weird about the whole Hello Kitty thing. I know I am drawn to it against all efforts to the contrary. I do believe it's proof of Mind Control. (I think Myrrh knows it also - hence it's inclusion.)

Okay, I will cop to it. I don't understand the Feds part either. That's why I didn't comment. I feel like I missed something - somewhere.

Other than the last part which confused me/made me feel stupid, I liked it. Nice outfit! See, that damned kitty will rule the world.

[Ms Myrrh]

I was thinking, see, along the lines of "Alias."  The finger snapping was the code to send in the support troops.  Maybe the lipstick was too James-Bondish?  Anyways, the point was that she was drugging him for a reason other than sex.  Sorry, I realize now that that should have been the main point.  Uh, can I plead that I was aiming for even more misdirection?  Maybe I should have just typed, "And then we fucked."

-M

PS:  I actually have two Hello Kitty shirts.  One's black with Hawai'i flower print and she's holding a surfboard.  The other is a punk HK, with a skull in her bow, fishnet stocking, and a red dripping "Hello Kitty" text on the back.  Dude, I feel so COOL when I wear that shirt.  Keeps me young.  Anyways, neither is sparkly.  My sparkly pink shirt is actually a Power Puff Girls top.

[Chase the Wind]

I was thinking, see, along the lines of "Alias."  The finger snapping was the code to send in the support troops.  Maybe the lipstick was too James-Bondish?  Anyways, the point was that she was drugging him for a reason other than sex.  Sorry, I realize now that that should have been the main point.  Uh, can I plead that I was aiming for even more misdirection?  Maybe I should have just typed, "And then we fucked."

Bleh!

Naaaa, don't do that. However, I'd drop at least a line, perhaps just a few words in the first sentence, that hints at what is to come. Then it's forgotten by the reader, so that at the end, the gotcha is more of a "I told you so!"

[ElSol]

Any limit on size here...

I wanted to expand the world of 'How to tell her?" but I need a more words than the first story which was 900+.

Or at least I think I need more words... maybe I can drop a character...

ElSol

[Chase the Wind]

I think the generally accepted limit is what would fit on a page. Course, Jo broke that limit, cuz.. well, she breaks limits. 

[ElSol]

A page?

Single or double spaced... what about if I use a lot of dialogue

I'm a guy, man... I need clearly identifiable limits.

Don't fuck anyone at the office... doesn't work 'cause you know that means I can fuck them at a hotel.

ElSol

[Ms Myrrh]

A screen-sized page.  If you single-space you'll  be able to fit more onto the screen.

Uhm.  That whole office thing... what about fucking non-office personnel in the office?  Is that off-limits, too?

-M

[Chase the Wind]

What she said. WZB said in some other place he wrote flashes, people would even shrink the font. But that's cheating... you'd then have to mind control us all to not consider it a fax paus!

C

[Ms Myrrh]

Or a faux pas, even.

[Chase the Wind]

That too. I pride myself on not speaking french. Just ask several of my Canadian readers who castigated me over the french accent/speech in one of my stories. 

[Ms Myrrh]

Doesn't it suck when you have to choose between one desire (to spell properly) and another (to not speak French)?

-M