A few weeks ago I floated the idea of sharing some of the trauma Father Nat and I endured in preparing a very old story of mine for publication at Ruthie's. The main reason I haven't done it yet is that the story is very long and presenting the changes looks complicated. I may still do it, but let's start with something shorter and simpler to see if the exercise has value for anyone other than me.
As I've mentioned elsewhere, I posted
TLC for softi's event with no editing and only made one change after posting. Now that it's a couple of weeks old, though, I can see pretty clearly where it needs some work and I even had some feedback that confirms some of the things that are wrong with it. I'd like to post the story to the EMCSA, so let's see what we can do to make it worthy.
Truth, Clarity and BeautyNormally I edit for three criteria:
- Truth -- Are all the important facts right? Do I have people in anatomically impossible positions? Are the grammar, usage, spelling, and punctuation clean?
- Clarity -- Is it obvious what's happening throughout the story? Are there any moments when I throw the reader a surprise that might force them to revise their mental picture of things (for instance, did I mention a bed on page 3 and then call it a four-poster bed on page 5)? Are the ideas that I wanted to express coming through clearly?
- Beauty -- Are there any klunky phrases or awkward constructions that need smoothing out? Does the dialog sound right? Does the pacing need adjustment here or there?
TLC has deficiencies that turn up in all three phases.
TruthI won't go into detail on this aspect because there's very little for anyone else to learn from dissecting my typing and mechanical mistakes (these things tend to be personal, so my chronic foibles probably aren't the same as yours). For the sake of illustration, though, here's an example of a 'truth' problem:
Jeff noticed the change in her breathing and knew his timing was good. “Each sentence you read takes you deeper and deeper,” he said. “The more you read, the deeper you go. The deeper you go, the more you can let the words of the story arouse you. It's okay to let yourself feel more and more aroused as you read the story, as if what happens in the story were happening to you right now.”
See the red part? Mismatched verb tenses. I should have written it as
'as if what happens in the story is happening to you right now.'
ClarityThis is where things get a bit more fuzzy because there isn't a handbook to consult on what's clear and what isn't. It also doesn't help that I know what I was trying to convey, so I'm already predisposed to interpret the words the way I meant them. Still, with the advantage of a little time and distance, I'm concerned that the story doesn't give enough emphasis to the romance angle. Softi confirmed that in
her recent comments when she said:
My only issue with it is that it leaves so many possibilities of love open between Jeff and Lilly. This single scene gives you an idea of what they think, but for me it seems to show love as lust and release.
The story probably works as a tale of lust and release, but that isn't what I wanted it to be. In my head, Jeff plans and executes this scene because he wants to do something nice for Lilly, not because he expects to get laid in return. It's supposed to be a nurturing gesture more than a salacious one. That didn't come through strongly enough, it seems, so let's make a few adjustments.
Lilly plopped onto the sofa with a groan. “What a day!”
Her boyfriend Jeff winced in sympathy. "Another bad one?"
"Trust me, you don't want to know the details."
Jeff nodded and poured a glass of Lilly's favorite wine. "I get the basic idea. It's April 10th. That means you've done about, what, six twelve-hour days in a row? And you're looking at five more to come. You've got no partners to share the load and you're afraid to turn down a client because you need their business the rest of the year. Your mind is exhausted and your body is stiff from spending all day at a desk. How am I doing?"
"Spot on," she groaned.
"I thought so. It's okay, my dear, because I know exactly what you need."
Tired eyes turned toward him with mild suspicion. "Do you? And what is that?"
"This, for starters." He handed her the glass of wine.
She took the glass and sipped from it, letting the flavors play over her tongue. “Perfect. You always seem to know what I need.”
“I try,” he shrugged. “Days like today it isn't too hard – I just have to look at the calendar.”
“I hate April,” she agreed. “The first half of it, anyway. Why do so many people wait until the last second to get their taxes done?”
Jeff knew that it was a rhetorical question; Lilly tended to ask it often during those crushing first weeks of April. And it would do no good reminding her that it was the price she'd chosen to pay for leaving the comfortable anonymity of a Big Eight accounting firm to start her own private practice. Instead, he had other ideas. “Here,”
"And now," he said, opening the laptop he'd left set up on the end table next to her. “Try a little light reading. It'll help chase the evil numbers out of your head for a while.”
Admittedly this is more of a rewrite than an edit. Still, it puts more emphasis on the fact that Jeff was expecting Lilly to come home stressed out and has a plan to relieve some of that tension. We'll also come back to this passage in a few minutes when we get to Beauty.
As often happens, one change necessitates another. Notice:
Lilly glanced at the screen and saw that the browser was already open to her favorite erotic stories site. A vague suspicion formed in her mind. “You're up to something, aren't you?”
“Who, me?” His look of protest seemed almost genuine. “I'm wounded. How can you say that?”
“Because I know you, dear heart. It starts with wine, to get me loosened up. Now you pull out the sexy stories to get me distracted and horny. Next thing I know you'll be suggesting a nice, hot bath. Then, once I'm loosened up, horny, and naked, you whisper a few sweet nothings into my ear and seduce me for you own wanton pleasure.”
“Not just my wanton pleasure. I fully intended for you to enjoy it, too.”
“And I probably would have. But not tonight, okay? I know it's been too long, but this week has been hell and as much as I'd love to be ravished, I just don't have the energy. Can I take a rain check?”
“Of course,” he sighed. “Can't blame a guy for trying, can you?”
“No, I can't. It was a good try, too.” She took another long sip from her wine glass. “A really good try.”
As Lilly put the empty glass down her eye fell on the laptop. “I think I will do some reading, now that you mention it. Something to get the tax code out of my head for a little while.”
In retrospect, it was probably this part that caused the story to seem more about Jeff getting laid than taking care of Lilly. Amusing as the exchange may be, it's a jarring contradiction of the caring mood we just worked so hard to establish. So out it goes in its entirely. We do need something in its place, though, to make the transition from the wine to the laptop. Something like this:
Lilly's eye was drawn to the faint green glow of the laptop screen even as her lips took another long pull from the wine glass. "My favorite wine and my favorite sex story site," she mused. "You may have something here. A little light reading could be just the thing."
“Good idea, hon. The latest update has a couple of real gems in it.”
And thus we rejoin the original narrative. But now, with the preamble more focused on the caring aspect of the relationship, Jeff's motives should be much more clear. Which brings us to...
BeautyThis is the part where it's possible to fall into the trap of infinitely prolonged tweaking because if you try hard enough you can almost always think of a better way to say something. The trick is to smooth out the things that bother you and then decide how much more polish it really needs, and that's a personal call. Good luck.
With TLC, there are a few things that I would call 'proud nails' -- things that should be smooth but instead stick out in a unpleasant, unworkmanlike way. Let's look at the most egregious of them:
“I hate April,” she agreed. “The first half of it, anyway. Why do so many people wait until the last second to get their taxes done?”
Jeff knew that it was a rhetorical question; Lilly tended to ask it often during those crushing first weeks of April. And it would do no good reminding her that it was the price she'd chosen to pay for leaving the comfortable anonymity of a Big Eight accounting firm to start her own private practice. Instead, he had other ideas.
This is just old-hairy-butt ugly. First off, it's a textbook example of telling the reader instead of showing the reader. I've interrupted an important dialog with this background stuff and in so doing broken the tempo before it even really got going. And on top of all that, it's about as subtle as a Howitzer. This passage has to go. Fortunately, I've already made it unnecessary. Remember the new opening dialog we wrote to fix the clarity problem? The new dialog makes this whole passage obsolete. It relates enough of the same facts to give the reader the gist of it without resorting to clumsy narration. Two birds, one stone, etc.
Now let's do something about another ugly protrusion:
He let her read in silence, knowing that he didn't have to say anything. For weeks now Lilly had let him help her to let go of stress by hypnotizing her; they'd developed a little ritual in which he started with her feet and progressively relaxed her into a deep, delicious trance. A look at her face revealed smooth muscles and a relaxed jaw, which proved that even though she hadn't agreed to being hypnotized her mind was already slipping into trance out of habit.
Joe (bobwhite) called me on this one in
his comments, and he's absolutely right. Again I'm breaking the flow, this time to insert a justification that, at this point, is unnecessary. And I'm doing it with all the smoothness and style of a new speed bump. Fortunately, this is an easy fix:
She was going to protest, but before the words could form in her mind Jeff had begun gently massaging her tired feet. Mmmmmm, she thought, and felt herself relaxing at his touch the way she always did. Okay, if he doesn't mind, neither do I.
He felt the muscles in her feet relax and smiled to himself. “That's it,” he said softly. “Just relax and enjoy your story. You don't have to worry about anything else. You don't have to do anything or say anything. You don't even have to consciously listen to me. Instead, just let your body relax and your mind focus on your reading so the words you read are as real to you as can be.”
He let her read in silence, knowing that he didn't have to say anything. For weeks now Lilly had let him help her to let go of stress by hypnotizing her; they'd developed a little ritual in which he started with her feet and progressively relaxed her into a deep, delicious trance. A look at her face revealed smooth muscles and a relaxed jaw, which proved that even though she hadn't agreed to being hypnotized her mind was already slipping into trance out of habit.
The blue text isn't new, I just colored it for emphasis. With that in there, I really don't need to explain anything more so I can get away with just cutting out the ugly part and leaving the rest.
One more Beauty point that bothered me on reread:
Very slowly, giving him every opportunity to enjoy the way the light reflected off her bare chest, she slipped off her blouse and bra and used the blouse to wipe at the thin sheen of sweat on either side of her neck. “It is hot in here,” she asked softly, “or is it just me?”
This is sort of a combination Truth/Beauty issue: sheen is an effect caused by light reflecting off a surface, in this case sweaty skin. You don't wipe off sheen, you wipe the sweat. So the sentence should read '
to wipe at the thin layer of sweat' or something similar.
So, that's what a short editing session with me is like. This took a lot longer than I estimated when I started, so I hope it's useful.
-wg
