Helping Writers Write (long)

[Writerzblocked]

Well, having spent way too much time posting on this forum in yet another thread about this forum instead of writing, I thought - hey, if I'm going to be spending my time not writing, I could at least do something maybe a bit more productive with it.

Like starting a thread about writing.

Several things have happened here over the past few weeks that got me thinking that maybe, just maybe, this place has opened up a bit to the point where something like this could actually work, instead of getting dragged down into personality conflicts and other diversions.

First the "Hot Flashes" thread has heated up (though it's cooled a bit in the past week  , with both samples of decent writing and samples of decent discussions about writing. 

Second, the whole jp/Elsol/EyeofSerpent crossover turned out to be, in the end, more enlightening than it was distracting, with even Eye deciding to spend a goodly amount of time contributing. 

Third, the "Tips for Beginnig Writers" (sic) thread has actually heated up a bit, with some good and interesting stuff being tossed out.

Fourth, with the ressurection of Wiseguy and the continued (very welcome) input of Jo and ElSol, not to mention the recent input by Bobwhite in the recent thread I referred to in my first paragraph above, there are now at least five or six posters here who might keep these discussions going, instead of the two or three we've had in the recent past.  Believe me, this resident grouch couldn't be more pleased.

Fifth (and most surprising to me), someone on this forum actually jumped off the high dive and emailed me asking me to look over something they wrote.  Obviously someone who, in the immortal words of an old cartoon character "don't know me too well, do he?"

Or is simply one very, very brave soul. 

I prefer to think the latter because it says a lot more about the writer in question. Something I really LIKE to see in a writer. Someone who is not afraid to take chances, who is in love enough with the act of writing to be unafraid to step up to the plate and risk getting hardballs thrown in their general direction in the hopes that they'll learn something from it other than how to apply lotion to their egos after it's over.

But in looking over this work and offering advice, it brought to mind my preferred proceedure when asked waaaay back  to look over something and give advice. It's something I touched on in the "Hot Flashes" thread a bit and something I thought might be usefull enough to expand on here.

Helping Writers Write the Way They Want To

Now, in the past few months, I think we (in general here) have learned a few things about the review or crit process.  Not everyone is in agreement with the following points, obviously, but it seems to me that they have been brought up and discussed and the debate ended without a whole lot of dissent.

ElSol quite correctly pointed out that getting a review of an existing story is almost useless because that story is already over and done and the writer has already moved on.  While the writer might or might not take the crit to heart and learn the lessons in future stories, the actual passages being pointed to have been laid to rest a long time ago.  Besides, we already have a thread for that. So, for the sake of this particular thread, I'm not going to focus on what has already been written, posted and commented on (or ignored), but on works in progress that can actually be amended or changed.  Keep that in mind when commenting.

In the now deleted thread that seemed to fixate on Jo's reviewing ability, it was brought up that she seemed to be, too often for some, commenting on how she'd LIKE a story to be written, not how the writer preferred to write it.  So, keeping that in mind, again, I'm reminded of how I used to give most of my criticisms when I was doing it regularly.

How To Give Needed Advice Without Running Over Your Author

Imagine you're an editor or a respected writer, or in a position of power and (as someone here said recently, and I'm going to paraphrase) your word is taken more to heart than your average Joe (or Mike or Eye or whoever  ) on the street by the writer asking you for your comments.  They obvously want you to use your experience and savvy to comment, so they expect just a little bit more than a proofreader. I'm going to set aside the fact that when a story got to me it had already passed at least two other sets of eyes that deemed it possibly worthy of both publication and payment and make believe it's a writer doing it for no payment at all. Kinda like most of us around here, actually.

But the process is similar.  As an editor, you want the best story possible, but you don't want to "ruin" the author's voice with your own.  That's one of the worst things you can do to a writer coming to you for advice.

So how do you balance these two factors - how do you both give them the benefit of your knowledge and experience without running them over and making sure the story they tell is the story THEY tell?

Here's how I did it.

Basically, instead of emphasizing "this is what is wrong," or "this is how I'd do it," I'd first ask the writer, in detail, what THEY wanted to accomplish and what their priorities were, preferably before I even laid eyes on the piece in question.

As any of you who have read my own WIP thread buried down in this catagory somewhere know, I'm extremely big on setting priorities, even before I start on a story.  What do I hope to accomplish with this?  What are my goals? 

Now, I almost always start with a theme, but I'm rare in this regard (especially in the smut we write here), so I'm not going to touch on that much.  But if you do start with a theme and follow it to the very end, more than likely, it'll be a story that I'll like for that reason alone. I love reading a writer with obvious focus. But enough of that.

By having the writer set out his or her own priorities in detail, it gives you as the editor (or critic) a much stronger idea of where they're coming from and the more you can get into their heads, the better your advice is going to be.  That way, you can use your experience to say "if you really want to do that, maybe this is a better way to try it."  Basically, you're on their side, not someone who is trying to fight them.  Most writers hate it when you fight them.  Take it from one who knows 

So always start by asking them what THEY want to do and what THEY want to say. It's their story, not yours.

To give an example, in the recent story that the brave soul sent me, the narration was in first person and it was written in present tense. My first question to the author was: Is one of your major priorities to show a sense of immediacy, because (in my experience) that's what present tense does best.  The author replied that it was a priority - so far, so good.  If it was NOT a priority, I would have advised the author to switch to past tense because it's what most readers are more used to reading, most writers are used to writing in, and therefore generally makes for an easier, sweeter read.  But, the point was that it was the author's preference for immediacy that I based the advice on, not my own views that present tense is a general turn off for a lot of readers and is more difficult to write well in.

It's not MY story.

My next question was basically, in your own words, maybe two or three long sentences, what is this story about?  By asking to keep it relatively short, I pin the author down to deciding what is most important to him or her, what he or she is most trying to say. It turns out that one of the things the author emphasized in the summary was not something that I got from reading the story.  It could have been that I totally missed it, but, in my experience, if an author feels strongly that they said something and a reader totally misses it, that in itself sends up warning signs to me as an editor.  If they feel that strongly about it, it should not have been missed and maybe they should go back and do something about it.

But, again, it's their decision.  If they feel they said it strongly enough even when you say you don't think they did, you just let it go.  OTOH, if they feel you have a point, you go ahead and give them advice on how they could emphasize it more.

The above advice generally works for most fiction, porn or otherwise.  Sure, in porn, fewer writers are trying to "say" something, but they all have reasons for writing what they write.  Your job, if they ask, is to help them say what they want to say more effectively. That can be anything from figuring out how to portray a woman's orgasm to how "shrinkage" (to borrow a Seinfeld term  should be best described.  I can't imagine how the last would be anyone's priority, but, hell, you just never know 

Where Do We go From Here?

Several times over the past year, the idea of some kind of writer's workshop has come up.  The best we've had so far is "Critic's Corner," which has had its ups and downs. 

What I'm proposing is that some brave soul or souls post a WIP or even a large part of a WIP and have everyone comment on it in the terms I've outlined above.  The writer would first post the story and then a two or three sentence description of "What I am trying to do with this story - these are my priorities" type summary. The summary would have to be rather detailed and precise to be effective - no silly stuff like "I'm trying to get as many people off as possible,"- though that may well be one of your priorities, not everyone finds the same things "hot," so you're going to get all sorts of advice, from useless to bizarre and not much of it is going to help.

And, sure, anyone can post comments of the "cool," "good job on the scene with Betty's bouncing boobs" variety, as well as what else they liked about the story, but what I'd really like to see is constructive advice focused on how readers think the author can do a better job of fulfilling his or her own ambitions as set out in his or her summary of what he or she wanted to do with the story.   

And, remember, it's not YOUR story.

So, does everyone think this has one chance in hell at gathering steam?

---or am I running headlong into a wall here?  ---

WZB

[Wiseguy]

Nice gauntlet, WZB.  Remind me to give it back to you when this is done.   

Okay, I'll put my money where my mouth is.  Some of you may know that about two years ago I started a story called Busman's Holiday that has never been finished.  The beginning and middle parts are posted on my website , so people interested in playing along may want to read those parts first.  You don't really have to, though; I'll summarize things in a paragraph or two below:

The story is really about a hypnotist named Jack.  Way back when, he was a sleazy stage hypnotist who had no compunctions about putting his volunteers through "adult" situations and bedded more than a few, some of whom may or may not have been willing if approached directly.  His teacher and mentor saw one show and walked out, leaving Jack with a crisis of conscience.  He gave up performing and took up therapy, which has been his sole gig since.

When the story opens Jack gets talked into performing again by a business partner.  Jack is part owner of a resort in Puerto Rico, a sort of "Hedonism" type place, and they needed a stage act on short notice.  Performing again, coupled with the sexually loose atmosphere of the resort, has awakened Jack's seamier side.  In the story Jack talks about "the user" and "the teacher" to refer to the sides.  To go with that conflict, he has two love interests:  Claire, who has a playful attitude and is a bit of a hypnofetishist herself, appeals to the user; and Monica, who walked out of his first show because she thought it was in bad taste, appeals to the teacher.  Claire and Monica are friends who came to the resort together.  On the first night, after Monica walked out, Claire invited Jack to hypnotize and seduce her.  He did, and they've been spending their nights together since even while Jack quietly lusts for Monica.

The story is essentially about Jack vacillating between sides, trying to figure out which one is really him.  Along the way he does three stage shows and gives Claire and Monica lessons on how to hypnotize people and give suggestions.  Those lessons lead to a lot of erotic tension and help drive the story through the middle.

At the point where I'm stuck, Jack is doing his third show.  Monica surprised him by volunteering.  That creates a problem for Jack because he wants Monica, he's running out of time (they leave tomorrow), and he doesn't want to turn Monica off by exploiting her.  His audience is expecting a sexy show, though.  Hmmm...

Here's the part that isn't posted anywhere because I don't like it and haven't figured out what to do with it yet:

----------------------------------------------------------

The induction I'd used guaranteed that, barring a good actor, everyone I had on stage was highly suggestible.  Still, it was a good idea to start slow and make sure everyone was having fun before I got into the meat of the show.  I put them through the good smell/bad smell test and got a solid response from all of them.  I made them feel freezing cold, then unbearably hot, and the reaction was textbook. 

As I watched my volunteers, looking to gauge their responses, specific pairs started to catch my attention.  Hawaiian Shirt guy and the blonde next to him; a short, dark man with broad shoulders and the busty brunette to his left; a sandy-haired man and the freckled woman beside him; all of them sat just a little closer to each other than most of the group did, and seemed just a little more aware of each other than the rest of the group was.  I began to suspect that I had at least three serious couples on my hands.  I also had a possible lesbian couple:  two blondes in similar form-fitting dresses were pleasantly zonked out in the back row, leaning against each other like living bookends.

For the final preliminary, I restored the room to normal temperature and took them back into deep trance.  "On the count of three," I said, "your eyes will open and you can sit up straight and tall.  You'll find that you are in a movie theater seeing an advance screening of a new movie.  Each of you has your favorite movie theater snack in your lap that you can munch on during the film.  You will watch the movie closely, paying attention to every detail, yet you will continue to hear me and follow my suggestions.  One, two, three."

Eighteen heads bobbed up and everyone shifted to sit more erect in their seats.  They looked forward into the distance, focusing on the imaginary movie screen. 

"And as you watch this movie," I told them, "idly snacking on your favorite snack, you begin to notice that this is the funniest movie you've ever seen."  Hands went to mouths as my volunteers began to snicker in between bites of imaginary snack.  "That's right, unbelievably funny.  The more you watch now, the funnier and funnier it becomes.  This movie is so funny you just have to keep laughing.  The more you laugh the funnier it gets and the funnier it gets the more you laugh."

Monica was trying very hard to maintain some semblance of composure, holding a hand over her mouth as she snickered and giggled.  Hawaiian Shirt was openly pointing to the screen and howling.  The woman next to him doubled over, arms clutching the popcorn tub to her body while her shoulders shook.  A couple of my other volunteers were getting close to falling out of their seats.  All over the audience I heard laughs and squeals at the reactions on stage. 

Time to change the channel.  "And now when I snap my fingers the scene changes.  The movie will no longer be funny at all."  I held my fingers near the hand mic and snapped loudly, causing the laughter on stage to begin subsiding.  "In fact, now that you look at it, you can see that this part of the movie is sad.  You keep watching, and the more you watch the more sad this movie becomes for you.  This is the most moving, heartrending movie you've ever seen in your life."

With surprising quickness, the mood on stage changed from raucous to gloomy.  Eighteen faces stared at the virtual movie screen and fell.  Many of them began to sob and tears trickled down Monica's cheek.  Guys were wiping at their eyes to prevent similar evidence from showing their feelings.

"And now, when I snap my fingers, the scene changes again.  When I snap my fingers you'll see the most frightening, shocking, abrupt change ever.  The movie becomes a horror movie, the scariest and most frightening thing you've ever seen."  I snapped loudly and then winced as several of my volunteers shrieked in response.  Half the people on my risers pushed back on their chairs hard enough to make me very glad Stu Redman's people had bolted them down.  I also noticed that three of my female volunteers huddled closely against the men next to them, further confirming my suspicions.

"The next time I snap my fingers," I continued, "the movie becomes a high-class erotic thriller."  I snapped quickly as I saw people starting to climb out of their seats.  "Your attention becomes riveted on the screen.  The action is fascinating, and the more you watch the more aroused you feel yourself becoming.  More and more aroused the longer you watch, no thought in your mind except how very, very sexy this movie is and how very horny it's making you feel."

Now I had people squirming in an entirely different way.  I could see Monica's thighs squeezing together and her hands pressing firmly in her lap.  Hawaiian Shirt's companion was less reserved:  one of her hands was openly caressing her own breasts through her spaghetti-strapped top while the other wandered along his thigh.  "That's right," I said, "the movie goes into a sex scene so erotic, so intense, that you can almost feel as if you're a part of it, being made love to in the exact perfect way that you most enjoy.  You feel yourself getting closer and closer to orgasm, not caring who might see or hear you, thinking only about how very aroused, how very close to orgasm you are.  And now, as you feel yourself just on the brink of orgasm, and the camera pans to show the faces of the people in the movie and you realize that one of them is your boss!"

All over the stage faces switched from intense arousal to shock and amazement.  Their faces were priceless.

"And now, the screen goes dark and your eyes close down.  Sleep."

Their heads dropped exactly on cue.  "Deeper and deeper still," I told them as the audience applauded.  "Feeling your inhibitions falling away, leaving you free to say and do whatever pops into your mind.  Your mind is powerful and creative, and that creativity is exactly what we want you using the most tonight.

"In a few moments I'm going to count to three.  When I count to three you can sit up nice and straight with your eyes open, still deeply hypnotized but able to interact with me normally.  I'm going to go around and ask a few questions so I can get to know you.  You'll find that you feel perfectly comfortable on stage, as comfortable as if you and I were all alone in a private place.  Anything I say to you while I am touching your shoulder, not just now but for the rest of the show, will be absolutely true for you and you'll act on it to the best of your ability.  One, two, three."

Eighteen heads lifted and looked forward.  I couldn't ask for a better group.
I started stage left with Hawaiian Shirt.  "What is your name, and what do you do?" 

"Don," he answered.  "I'm a caterer."

I indicated the woman next to him.  "Is this your wife or girlfriend?"

She leaned toward the mic.  "Sally," she said.  "I'm his wife, and a travel agent."

"Do you and Don have children?"

"Two," she answered.  "They're the ones who bought this trip for us.  It's an anniversary present."

"How about that?"  I reached up and touched her on the shoulder.  "For the rest of the show, Sally, you are single and unattached.  This man on your left is someone you've never seen before.  You have no idea who he is, he's a total stranger to you, but you find him sexually irresistible.  The more time you spend near him, the more you will find yourself planning to seduce him after the show.  Every time the audience applauds your desire to have sex with him grows stronger and stronger."

Don's eyes lit up as I spoke.  Next I touched him on the shoulder.  "For the rest of the show, Don, you are also single and unattached.  The woman on your right is a complete stranger, someone you've never seen or met before in your life.  You find her very attractive, but you are shy.  You don't know how to act around women, you've never been on a date before and, as a matter of fact, you are a virgin.  You know so little about sex and women that whatever she says or does, you will interpret it in the most innocent way possible."

Next to Sally was my second suspected couple.  The heavy set guy was Jared, a bartender, and the busty brunette with him was his girlfriend Lorraine.  "Listen carefully," I said as I touched Lorraine on the shoulder.  "For the rest of the show tonight, whatever Jared says will be wrong and you'll want to correct him on it.  No matter how much he insists he is right, you'll know he's wrong and you'll have all of the facts you need to prove it at the tip of your tongue.  But no matter how much you may argue, you will always have a good sense of humor about it and it will be easy for you to stay calm and matter-of-fact about it."

Then I touched Jared.  "Jared, you may find for the rest of the show that Lorraine disagrees with you a lot.  No matter how many times she does it, you'll always maintain your self-control.  No matter how frustrated you may become I know and you know that you'll never become outwardly angry or try to force her to agree with you."  Then I let go of him and looked out at the audience.  "You can never be too careful."

Next came Leo, a CPA.  Beside him was my girl-girl couple, Devon and Darby.  Putting the mic in front of Devon, I asked, "How long have you and Darby been together?"

Both girls giggled.  "Since we were born, silly," Devon chided.  "We're fraternal twins."

Once I looked for it, I could see the family resemblance:  straight hair, round faces, similar button noses.  Devon was a corn-silk blonde, long and lanky and almost colorless, like a porcelain doll.  Darby had a more down-to-earth look with dark streaks in her hair, a bit less height, and a bit more curvature.
I looked out at my audience.  "I can just feel it," I told them.  "Right now, every guy in the audience is thinking exactly the same thing."  I paused for effect.  "Shame on you."  That brought me lots of laughter, most of it female sounding. 

I put a hand on one shoulder of each girl.  "For the rest of tonight's show," I told them, "you are a man.  You have a man's body, a man's attitudes, a man's thought processes.  Your twin is also a man.  Everything you see, hear, and feel will confirm to your mind that both you and your twin are, and always have been, men.  You will continue to be men and to act like men until the end of the show tonight."

Interestingly enough, both twins shifted on their seats.  They sat up straight with arms folded and legs open, and looked out over the rest of the group.

I felt the need to get moving, so the rest of the introductions could wait.  I stepped back from the group and held up my arms.  "Everyone on stage, let your eyes close down now and sleep."  I did a little deepening, then set up for the next bit.  "At the count of three, you're going to be members in the studio audience of a game show for couples very much like the old Dating Game.  I'm going to select three couples from among you and ask them questions.  Their answers may win them prizes.  If I don't select you as one of the couples, then your role is to encourage the contestants with cheering and helpful advice, just like a game show audience."  Next I reached through and made contact, one at a time, with my couples.  "For those I just touched, you are the contestant couples.  All of the other suggestions I've given you tonight are still in full force, and anything I say while touching you on the shoulder will also be a suggestion you'll follow.  And now everyone on stage, hear the cheesy music as the lights come up.  One, two, three."

I wheeled around and faced the house.  "Welcome everyone to Couples' Quiz, the show where we find out the secrets of successful couples.  Behind me, in our special audience area, we have three couples; let's meet them now."  I headed for Don and Sally.

"Yo, Jack."

I stopped in my tracks as the audience chuckled.  The words had come from either Devon or Darby, in a voice lowered with artificial testosterone.  "Someone over here had a question?"

Darby waved her hand.  "Not a question, a problem.  We're not a couple."

I feigned surprise.  "You're not?  I thought you were siblings."

"Well, yeah," she acknowledged.

"Okay," I assured her.  "Siblings are a kind of couple."

"Oh."  She leaned back against her seat, looking a little relieved.  "For a minute there I thought you were confused about what team we play on, if you get my drift.  Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Of course not.  Since we're here, why don't you two give us your first names?"

"Sure.  I'm Darby, and this lug is my brother Devon."  She poked Devon with an elbow to indicate which lug she meant.

"Devon and Darby ... aren't those women's names?"

Devon leaned forward with a scowl.  "Not necessarily, pal," she insisted, pointing aggressively at me with a brightly polished fingernail.  "And I gotta tell you, we're tired of taking shit from people who don't know better."

"Okay," I said, retreating.  "Out next couple is Jared and Lorraine.  How long have you two been together?"

Jared answered.  "Three years."

Lorraine shook her head and leaned forward.  "Three and a half, minus a couple of weeks."

"Close enough," I judged.  "What was it, Jared, that first attracted you to her?"

"It was her eyes.  She has these bright, sparkling eyes that just make you want to keep looking into them.  And she's fun to be around."

"More likely it was the red bikini I was wearing when we met," she injected.

Jared laughed nervously.  "I barely noticed your clothes, I was so smitten."

"Oh, please, honey; every time I saw you that day you were staring at my ass."

"Whatever," he mumbled.

I used the audience's laughter to cover my move to the last couple.  "Next we have Don and Sally.  How long have you two known each other?"

Sally leaned forward.  "Actually, we just met tonight."  Don nodded in agreement.

"Wow," I remarked, "and you ended up on the show that quickly.  Do you think it will last?"

"If he plays his cards right," she replied with a wink.

Don got a nervous look on his face.  "I don't play cards much," he said.  "A little cribbage and 'Go Fish' are all I know."

"Don't worry," Sally told him, her nostrils flaring at the audience's applause.  "I'll teach you some new games."

I let the crowd quiet down a little, then continued.  "And now it's time to put half of each couple in isolation."  I reached out to touch Sally.  "Just Sally, sleep.  Nice and deep, letting go completely."  Sally's head dropped and she sagged against Don.  I repeated the process with Lorraine and Devon.  "Those of you on stage with eyes closed," I said, "you are now in our luxurious isolation booth.  You can stay in the isolation booth until you hear me say, 'Come out' and your name.  You'll be able to hear everything that happens while you're in isolation, but when you come out of the booth none of the things you heard will remain in your mind.  The more you try to remember what you heard in isolation, the more impossible it will be to remember.  Only when the show is over completely and you are no longer on stage will you be able to remember what you heard while you were in the isolation booth.  When your mind completely accepts these suggestions you can just nod for me." 

I got three nods.  "Here's how the game works," I explained.  "In a moment, I'm going to ask each of you guys a question.  I want you to tell me what you think your partner's answer to that question will be.  When we have your answer, we'll take your partner out of isolation and find out how right you were.  The closer your answers match, the more points our official scorekeeper will give you."  I stepped over to Monica and touched her shoulder.  "You are my official scorekeeper.  You can give each couple up to five points for each answer.  Give them one point if the answers aren't even remotely the same, more than that if they have some things in common, and five points if they match very closely.  You'll be able to keep track of each couple's total point score at all times."

Monica smiled and nodded.  I stepped over to my first couple, where Sally leaned easily and naturally against Don.  "Don," I opened, "this should be a pretty easy question, since you and Sally just met today.  How did you two meet?"

Don tore his eyes from Sally to address me.  "We sat next to each other on the airplane," he said.  "We just fell into talking.  It was like we'd known each other for years.  And then, when we got here, it turns out they assigned us both to the same room."

"Really?  Didn't you find that strange?"

His eyebrows creased.  "Not at the time, no.  But now that you mention it, it's pretty weird.  Maybe they saw that we had the same last name and assumed we were married or something."

"This could work out well for you," I remarked with an exaggerated leer.  "She looks like she'd make a great midnight snack, if you know what I mean."

More forehead movement as he worked that out in his mind.  "I don't think they want us cooking in the rooms.  They have 24-hour room service if we get hungry."

I let the audience laugh for a minute before taking Sally by the hand.  "Come out, Sally." 

Her eyes opened and she took stock of her position.  Moving slowly, she sat up straight and caressed Don's arm where she'd been leaning.  "You make a great pillow," she told him.

"Sally," I announced, "Don has just answered a question about your relationship.  I'm now going to ask you the same question:  how did you and Don first meet?"

Her mental wheels turned for a half second.  "On the airplane coming here," she said.  "He was in 14A, I had 14B.  The view out the window was as boring as the in-flight movie, so we ended up talking most of the way."

The audience cheered.  "Don told us that you're staying in the same room.  Can you tell us how that came about?"

She shrugged.  "I have no idea, Jack.  I know I booked his room and mine at the same time, so I guess the reservations desk made a mistake."  Her hand ran over Don's thigh lightly as she continued, "Not that I'm complaining, mind."

"Of course not," I agreed.  "Let's go to our official scorer.  How many points do you award Don and Sally?"

Monica held up her right hand with all fingers extended.  "Five points, Jack."

From somewhere overhead, a happy-sounding bell rang.  Someone in the sound booth was getting creative.  I flashed a smile toward the booth and a faint nod, then took a step over toward Jared.  "Jared, you've seen how this works.  Are you ready for your question?"

He gulped and nodded.  "Ready."

"What is Lorraine like when she's drunk?"

Jared relaxed visibly.  "That's easy," he said.  "When Lorraine gets drunk she turns into a total slut.  She'll flirt with any guy and half the girls in the place, and she'll flash anyone who looks interested."

"A party girl, eh?"

"Man, you wouldn't believe.  The hardest part is getting her home while she's still horny and before she gets too wasted to do anything with."

"I see.  Come out, Lorraine, eyes open, ready to play."  She sat up and looked at me with a pleasant smile.  "Lorraine, do you have any idea what Jared and I were just talking about?"

She looked up and away, accessing verbal memory, then shook her head.  "I'm sorry, I really don't know."

"That's fine, Lorraine.  I asked Jared here what you're like when you're drunk.  Now give us your answer."

She shot Jared a sideways look.  "Do you mean to tell you what I'm really like, or what I think he said I'm like?"

There was a wave of chortling from the crowd.  "You get points for matching what he said," I reminded her.  "But I'm sure we'd all love to hear anything else you might like to add."

"Hmmm," she said.  "Jared likes to tell his buddies that two glasses of wine will turn me into some kind of nympho who can't help throwing herself at anything in pants.  It's a bunch of crap if you ask me, but that's probably what he said."

"You are such a liar," Jared objected.  "What about my birthday last year?  You totally flashed my kid brother."

"I did not," she protested, "I was just adjusting my top.  I was a little uncoordinated from you refilling my glass every time I turned around, and I just accidentally popped out for a minute."

The audience loved it.  I let them cheer until it looked like Jared had a comeback then cut in before he could use it.  "Let's go to the official scorer, shall we?"

"Three points," Monica announced.  A slightly less enthusiastic bell rang from the booth.

That led to Devon and Darby.  "So, Darby," I opened.  "A couple of good-looking guys like you, I'm sure you get plenty of attention from the ladies, don't you?"

Darby winked.  "We do okay."

"Do you go out together much?"

"Shit, yeah," she answered breezily.  "We'll go out someplace, check out the pussy possibilities, bag what we want.  Sometimes I'll be the wingman, sometimes it's Dev.  We got it worked out."  Darby's male voice had a vague Brooklyn accent that hadn't been there as a woman, and the audience tittered at every line.

"That's great.  So for your question, why don't you tell us Devon's most effective pickup line?"

"Cuz he'd probably kick my ass for ruining it for him, that's why!"  The look on her face was priceless; it just screamed, "Duh!" to anyone who saw it.  It was very hard for me to keep a straight face while the audience broke out into thundering applause.

After a couple of false starts, I regained enough composure to continue.  "It's okay to tell us.  I promise you by the end of the show he won't be at all annoyed with you.  What is Devon's most effective pickup line?"

"All right," she replied.  "Here's how it works:  we'll be out together and he'll see a babe he wants to try and score with.  So he walks up to her and he says, 'My brother over there is convinced I have no chance here, but I had to come over and say that you fascinate me.  Can we just talk for a little while?'  It never fails."

I had to admit, I was impressed.  "Why do you suppose that works so well?"

"It's a very sophisticated approach," Darby explained.  "The first part gets her interest, because it basically says that another guy already decided she won't be interested.  Broads love to make a guy look dumb, so that automatically makes her not want to reject him.  Then he butters her up, but in a way that sounds like he's thinking more than looks.  And then he asks to talk, so he seems like one of those sensitive mealy-mouthed guys that babes all say they want.  Three good reasons to say yes, all stacked together."

The women in the crowd were too busy laughing to applaud, but the men more than made up for it.  "Thanks," Darby said.  She jerked a thumb at her zoned-out sister.  "When you guys use that line later and score, you know who to thank."

Indeed, I replied silently, wondering whether these two were at the beginning of their vacation or the end. 

Devon opened her eyes on command and straightened up, squaring her shoulders and thrusting out her jaw.  "It's about time," she remarked.  "That elevator music gets old fast."  Her idea of a male voice was different from her sisters.  She spoke in low, sharp tones and kept her head still as she talked.

"I'm sorry," I assured her.  "Next time you go into isolation, I think you'll find the music has changed to match your own tastes.  Now, are you ready for your question?"

"Shoot."

"We asked Darby already and got his answer; now we'll compare yours.  What is your most effective pickup line?"

Devon looked at me quizzically.  "I'm not sure I want to answer that in front of an audience full of potential dates."

I reached over and touched her shoulder.  "I understand completely.  However, you can feel completely comfortable telling us because you have total confidence that no matter how many people learn your secret, you'll still have all the success you want meeting people.  Now tell us your best pickup line."

"All right.  First I'll make eye contact and hold it.  If she looks back, I smile.  Then, if she doesn't look away right away, I'll comer over and just say, 'Hi, my name is Devon.'  Nine times out of ten she gives me her name and we start talking."

Darby covered her face with her hands and groaned.  I gestured to Monica and asked for her scoring.

"One point," she called out.  The audience made sympathetic noises while, I imagined, a number of single men frantically wrote notes on what to say if they encountered either sister on another night.

Next I put Don, Jared, and Darby into "isolation" and posed a round of questions to their mates.  This time Devon earned five points for describing Darby's ideal woman and Lorraine earned five for guessing Jared's favorite part of her body, but Sally got only one point for failing to guess what Don would do if they accidentally found themselves at a nude beach.  The disparity in their answers -- she said, "Put on my sunglasses and hide my hard-on," while he said "Grab my towel and get out" -- had been good for some laughs, though. 

Time to wrap up this bit.  I put my original three back into isolation and took a deep breath.  Monica waited patiently while I debated how high I dared to take the smut level with her on stage.  This audience would be expecting something pretty racy.  I opted to start at stage right.  "Darby," I asked, "what would it take to get Devon to have sex with a man?"

Darby's eyes opened wide and she gulped.  She pursed her lips, thought about it, and answered, "Large amounts of booze, a long dry spell, and the finest-looking drag queen in the fucking world."

The audience roared.  "So what you're saying is, only if he thought it was a woman?"

Darby nodded.  "And only if he was too drunk and horny to care when he found out different."

Devon came out on command and needed no time to think about her answer.  "Nothing," she insisted.  "There's no amount of money or anything else that would get me to sleep with another guy."  Monica awarded them the minimum one point.

For Jared, a juicier question.  "Jared, what is Lorraine's favorite sex position?"

He paused to let the audience quiet down.  "That's easy:  bent over the kitchen table with me coming in from the rear."

Not quite.  "That's your favorite," she scolded lightly.  "I pretend to like it because I know it makes you feel all strong and manly."

Jared's jaw dropped.  "Then what do you really like?"

"I love when you're sitting in that big, stuffed chair watching TV and I just come over in nothing but a smile, peel down your pants, and sit right down on top of you and ride you, face to face."

The audience loved the visual, but it was still only worth one point from Monica. 
"Don," I said in my best game-show-host voice, "You need to get at least three points to tie Jared and Lorraine, four to win.  Think very carefully about this question:  what will you and Sally do when you're alone in your room after the show?"

The poor guy.  Without meaning to, I'd sabotaged him thoroughly with the earlier setup suggestions.  With a constant din of knowing chuckles in the background, Don thought hard.  "She mentioned playing my cards right earlier," he finally deduced, "so I guess we'll play cards for a while and then go to sleep."

Sally came out of isolation, heard the question, and gave me a knowing look.  "There's no way I'm gonna get this right, is there?"

I shrugged.  "Just use what you know of how Don thinks and try your best."

Don was busy trying not to look at anybody.  Sally thought silently for a few moments, then snapped her fingers.  "Did he say we'd play cards?"

The winner sound came from the booth and the audience went crazy.  Don's head jerked up and he offered Sally a high five.  She took it, then looked back at me.  "And after that," she added, "we'll play doctor!"  With one hand she pulled Don's face to hers for a kiss that radiated heat in every direction.  The other went straight to his crotch and groped him in a way that made every guy watching wish she was his. 

"Five points," Monica announced over the din.  "Don and Sally are the winners!"

The applause volume tripled as Sally and Don took a bow.  "And as you hear the audience applauding," I said, "everyone on stage can sit back down, let your eyes close down, and sleep.  The longer they applaud, the deeper and deeper you go."  By the time the crowd had quieted again, I had a bunch of life-sized rag dolls on stage by all appearances.

"And now you can let your minds just let go of the game show.  There is no more game show, we are back on the stage at Uninhibited.  When I count to three you will realize that we are here because this is an election year, and several of you are fringe party candidates running for President of the United States this year.  You came to Uninhibited to participate in a candidates' forum where you can tell the vacationing people here exactly what you see as the important issues in this campaign and where you stand on them."

My hand fell on a heavy-set guy in the front row.  "For the person I am touching now, you are the candidate for the Free Beer Party.  Your party believes that the biggest problem in America is that beer is too expensive and not enough people drink it.  Every other problem, whether it's the economy or education or foreign policy, can be solved in some way that involves beer and you'll be eager to tell us about that."

Next I came to Monica.  "To the person I'm touching now," I said, "you are the candidate for the Women's Power Party.    You and your party are proud of being women and you want everyone to know it.  You believe that the reason America has so many problems is that it's always been run by men.  Men are horrible leaders because when they're not fighting with each other over stupid macho things like territory and prestige they're trying to cover up their sexual peccadilloes instead of thinking about real work.  The only way to solve this is to have a government made up exclusively of women.  You have a platform of all-women candidates ready to take over; all you have to do is get all of the women out there to vote for your party. That is your job tonight."

My final candidate was an attractive brunette in a low-cut sun dress that gaped open as she slouched forward in the chair.  "For the person I am touching now," I said, the user enjoying the view, "you are the candidate for the Pragmatist Party.  When you hear the Women's Power Party candidate speak, you'll realize that she is trying to monopolize the female vote and will probably succeed.  The only way your party can win, therefore, is to deliberately cater to the male vote.  You'll say and do anything you can think of that will get the men in the audience to pay attention to you and to vote for you."

Somewhere in the back of my head, the user grinned.  I shoved that thought aside.  "Everyone else on stage, your job is to offer your support to whichever candidate is speaking.  No matter what they say, it will sound like a great idea to you and you'll encourage them to keep talking until I say that time is up."  I counted them up and assumed my MC position.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for tuning in to the Candidates' Forum.  As you know, we're being broadcast to the entire United States and our purpose tonight is to let America hear from some of the candidates who don't have the big TV budgets and PACs and soft money to get their candidate heard over the din created by the so-called major parties.  Tonight we have three candidates here to tell you why they deserve your support.  Each candidate, please give us your first name and tell us about your ideas for reshaping American politics."

I gave my hand mic to the heavy set guy and had him come to the front center.  "I'm Pete," he announced simply, "and I want to be the first Regular Guy to be President."  My stage audience applauded and cheered.  "The biggest problem with America today is beer.  We don't have enough good beer, and what we do have is too expensive.  I aim to fix that, because nothing solves problems like beer."

He got another hearty round of applause.

"Let me show you what I mean.  Some people think we're heading for a recession.  That's because they're too wound up looking at their stock tickers.  What these people need to do is have a couple of beers and relax.  Then they'll stop predicting doom and gloom and people will feel more optimistic about the future.  Problem solved with beer.

"How long have we been paying farm subsidies?  Too damn long, I say.  Instead of paying farmers not to grow things, I think we should use that money to pay farmers to grow hops and barley.  They can sell the hops and barley to brewers to make beer, and then they won't need any stinking subsidies any more.  Problem solved --"

My stage audience was right there with him.  "With beer!"

He nodded and smiled.  "That's right.  Now look at the plight of the American long-haul trucker.  These guys work hellish hours, all of 'em on the freeway, and they barely make enough to keep gas in the truck.  But if beer was half the price it is now, people would drink a lot more of it.  We'd need more truckers to keep delivering the beer to the stores, and the ingredients to the breweries.  More work means more money for the truckers and more beer for everyone else.  Problem solved ..."

"With beer!"  At this point the audience and the others on stage were raising their fists and cheering.  I had a natural on my hands.

"Now let's look at a real problem:  the Middle East.  Everybody over there wants to kick the crap out of everybody else, and over what?  I don't know.  But I do know what all of those Islamic people have in common:  they don't drink beer!  When Americans have a problem with each other, we have a couple of beers and talk it out.  No suicide bombings, no jihads, we just work it out.  So to solve the Middle East problem, here's what we do:  we send tankers full of really good beer over there, we sit all the leaders down at a big table with a couple of kegs and a gross of plastic cups, and then we just sit back while they have a few beers and work it out between themselves.  Problem solved ..."

Once again the audience completed his signature line.  "With beer!"
Pete basked in the applause.  "If you all elect me President," he added, "my inaugural ball will be a big-ass keg party on the South Lawn, and everybody's invited."

Amidst the loud cheering, I took the microphone from Pete.  "Thank you, Candidate Pete, I think your time is about up."  He kept waving at people in the audience all the way back to his seat.  I handed the mic to Monica, who had a vaguely distasteful look on her face.

"Beer," she began, looking disdainfully at Pete.  "That's his solution to everything.  Isn't that just like a man?  My name is Monica, from the Women's Power Party, and I'm here to talk to the 55 percent of the population that mainstream politicians either ignore or try to manipulate.  I'm here to talk to women."

Several women on stage and in the audience cheered.  "Look at the history of this country," Monica continued.  "Just in the last hundred years we've had one major depression, a couple of recessions, at least four major political scandals, and five all-out wars.  That means we've had leadership that can't balance a budget, can't keep something a secret, and can't work out their differences without bombs and guns.  Who are these people?  Men!"

Women all over the audience cheered and whooped.

"It's high time that we put people in charge whose genitals don't override their brains," Monica continued.  "People who are naturally good at understanding other people and listening to their grievances.  People who can resist the urge to go out and buy the newest high-tech toy when there isn't enough money coming in to pay for it.  Who are these people?"

She didn't have to answer.  "Women!" the audience volunteered.

"Exactly, my American sisters, women.  Women have been raising the children, keeping the households, and gratifying the urges of the men in power for far too long.  The Women's Power Party believes that only women are capable of reversing the damage done to our economy, our environment, and our neighborhoods by thousands of years of male dominance.  Women are creative thinkers and problem solvers.  Women are naturally intuitive and considerate of others' feelings.  And on top of all that, women have proven themselves to be more discreet about their private lives than the men who have been in power -- especially recently."  That got laughs and cheers from both sexes.

"To do this, of course, the Women's Power Party needs your support.  Look around the room now, women:  we are at least half the population.  If we band together, we can win this election and set the country on the right path.  I'm asking you to vote for me, and for all of the Women's Power candidates, this fall."

Monica got a standing ovation from the women in the audience and from a few laughing men.  I took the mic from her and handed it to the final candidate.

"I'm Kelly," she said, "and I'm with the Pragmatist Party.  Guys, it looks like I'm your best choice here.  Pragmatists are good at finding solutions that will work.  Man-bashing is not a solution, is it guys?"

There was a decent round of male applause.

"Of course not.  I don't know exactly what my opponent's problem is, but it's obvious that, at a minimum, she needs to get laid.  Then she can learn to appreciate a man for his finer qualities, if you know what I mean.

"I'm here to tell you that I, personally, love men.  Men have done so many good things for society that I can't believe anyone would want to remove them from power.  It takes a lot more to run a country than a pair of these!"  She punctuated her sentence by yanking down the straps of her dress, causing the upper portion to open and reveal her breasts.

The men cheered appreciatively.  A few whistled.  I have to admit I was impressed by the shape and firmness of her breasts.  The contrast between the pale triangular patches on each breast and the tanned skin between suggested that Kelly was not in the habit of exposing them idly.

------------------------------------------------------

What we have here, I think, is a story that's lost its way. 

I know how it ultimately ends:  Jack spends that last night with both women and, as ASSD reviewer Celeste used to say, a good time is had by all.  But for Monica and Claire, sharing may be okay for a vacation-time fling but is not going to work long term.  If Jack wants a serious relationship with either of them, he's going to have to choose.  His choice evolves out of the reconciliation of his two sides, the user and the teacher.  The trick is how to get out of the hole I've dug myself into and back on track.

Both of Jack's previous shows were covered in a similar depth.  That was by design; not only do they provide some of the titillation readers want, but Jack's choice of material helps to show where he is in realtion to the user/teacher conflict.  But I'm starting to sense that doing that here is killing the pace.  Thoughts?

In keeping with WZB's form, here are the priorities:

  - Show Jack finding the balance between the user and the teacher.
  - Raise the heat level, so the reader will start fantasizing in anticipation of the post-show sex.
  - Show the degree to which Monica has opened up as a result of her association with Jack compared to the first show.

All comments are welcome and appreciated, of course.  My focus is on finding ways to tighten this up and achieve the priorities above.  And to get me off this speed bump I've been scraping bottom on for way too long.

-wg

[Darkmind]

The story is really about a hypnotist named Jack.  Way back when, he was a sleazy stage hypnotist who had no compunctions about putting his volunteers through "adult" situations and bedded more than a few, some of whom may or may not have been willing if approached directly.  His teacher and mentor saw one show and walked out, leaving Jack with a crisis of conscience.  He gave up performing and took up therapy, which has been his sole gig since.

When the story opens Jack gets talked into performing again by a business partner.  Jack is part owner of a resort in Puerto Rico, a sort of "Hedonism" type place, and they needed a stage act on short notice.  Performing again, coupled with the sexually loose atmosphere of the resort, has awakened Jack's seamier side.  In the story Jack talks about "the user" and "the teacher" to refer to the sides.  To go with that conflict, he has two love interests:  Claire, who has a playful attitude and is a bit of a hypnofetishist herself, appeals to the user; and Monica, who walked out of his first show because she thought it was in bad taste, appeals to the teacher.  Claire and Monica are friends who came to the resort together.  On the first night, after Monica walked out, Claire invited Jack to hypnotize and seduce her.  He did, and they've been spending their nights together since even while Jack quietly lusts for Monica.

The story is essentially about Jack vacillating between sides, trying to figure out which one is really him.  Along the way he does three stage shows and gives Claire and Monica lessons on how to hypnotize people and give suggestions.  Those lessons lead to a lot of erotic tension and help drive the story through the middle.

At the point where I'm stuck, Jack is doing his third show.  Monica surprised him by volunteering.  That creates a problem for Jack because he wants Monica, he's running out of time (they leave tomorrow), and he doesn't want to turn Monica off by exploiting her.  His audience is expecting a sexy show, though.  Hmmm...

<snip />
What we have here, I think, is a story that's lost its way. 

I know how it ultimately ends:  Jack spends that last night with both women and, as ASSD reviewer Celeste used to say, a good time is had by all.  But for Monica and Claire, sharing may be okay for a vacation-time fling but is not going to work long term.  If Jack wants a serious relationship with either of them, he's going to have to choose.  His choice evolves out of the reconciliation of his two sides, the user and the teacher.  The trick is how to get out of the hole I've dug myself into and back on track.

Both of Jack's previous shows were covered in a similar depth.  That was by design; not only do they provide some of the titillation readers want, but Jack's choice of material helps to show where he is in realtion to the user/teacher conflict.  But I'm starting to sense that doing that here is killing the pace.  Thoughts?

In keeping with WZB's form, here are the priorities:

  - Show Jack finding the balance between the user and the teacher.
  - Raise the heat level, so the reader will start fantasizing in anticipation of the post-show sex.
  - Show the degree to which Monica has opened up as a result of her association with Jack compared to the first show.

First off, I'm going to agree with you: this scene seems to be losing its way.  This hypnoshow does not need to be covered in depth.

As a reader (who is following, and waiting for the conclusion of, this story), the emotional focus of this story shifts from public (the shows) to private (Jack's courtship) over the course of the story.  The first two shows needed to be covered because the tension was still 'public'; Jack was uncertain taking back up the mantle of stage hypnotist that he had laid down.  At this point he is comfortable in that again, if only for the duration of this holiday.  (Partly, that is because he knows he can, and will, put it back down again.)

You only need enough of this show to show that he is comfortable, and knows his limits of 'acceptable behavior'.  Drop the rest.

Point two: if you want to show the degree which Monica has opened up to Jack, feature her.  Jack seems to be going out of his way to not ask Monica to do anything.  At the very least, have her show unexpected obedience.  Better yet: Jack knows her limits.  Have him work at them; ask her to do something just this side of what she has said she wouldn't do, and show her not hesitating.

That shows trust.  I believe Jack can do it in a way that would be worthy of that trust...

As for raising the heat level...  Jack's previous shows were hotter, in my opinion.  He assigns two people 'sexualized' characters, and you nearly skip entirely over one.  (The other, at the end, has promise, but I don't know how far you will take it.  Still, it is nowhere near the 'stripper' in the second show.)  The movie scene was a complete washout, in my opinion.  I can see a hypnotist playing it for laughs, but...  It doesn't work toward any of your priorities.

Actually, reading over my reply, I'm not so sure I agree with my first statement.  You may need the hypnoshow.  But you don't need this hypnoshow.  You are working to hard on priority 1, actually.  Worry about the other two priorities, and keep Jack 'real'.  I'll bet you'll get priority one then.

Oh, since I don't want to sound too critical...  It is well written.  It flows, even when I'm wondering 'why is this here at all?'.  It's just not what you want to write.   8)

[Writerzblocked]

Ugh.  Talk about taking one in the teeth.  I actually wrote up the initial post for this one two days back and was reluctant to put it up here pending the outcome of "the call." No, not the cliche call that every woman waits for the morning after, the other one, the "don't call us, we'll call you" cliche call.  But when it didn't come, I shrugged my shoulders and figured it wasn't coming.

Well, anyway, not an hour after I posted this one, guess what? 

sigh.  I'm packing my bags as I speak and will probably be gone for at least a week.

Sorry if it seems I'm leaving anyone in the lurch here, I really didn't expect anyone to pick up the gauntlet so fucking soon.  I dunno, Wiseguy, did it even have time to hit the ground?   

Anyway, I'll have email access and a little time to post, but not much.  It will, however, give me time to reread the earlier parts of BH, so at least that's something.  Thanks to Darkmind, who seems to have picked up on the idea really quickly. I'm hoping at least a few others chime in before I get back.

---laters---

WZB

[Darkmind]

Well WZB, good luck.  Sounds like if you are going to be missing in action for a little while, it at least is for good reasons. 

[Writerzblocked]

Well WZB, good luck.  Sounds like if you are going to be missing in action for a little while, it at least is for good reasons. 

Oh, you don't know the half of it 

---fingers crossed---

WZB

[Wiseguy]

Geez, WZB, I'm sorry to hear about that.  It sucks getting a project started and then being timejacked before it can really develop.

Take care of what you need to and don't worry about this place.  There's enough people around that someone, or maybe multiple someones, will step in.  And I'll hang on to this gauntlet until you get back.  (You wouldn't have the mate, would you?  It's kinda cold outside just now and my Isotoners aren't up to it.)  

I was going to hold responses until more people have weighed in, but I do think Darkmind is on target and I appreciate the amount of thought he put into that analysis.  Even if nobody else responds, that made this thread a success for me.

-wg

[Chase the Wind]

Wg,

I remember reading the first two parts of the story and enjoyed them. (At least, if memory serves...)

I also appreciated your summation, in case I hadn't. Good idea, that.

I only read the first paragraph of Darkmind's response, then realized I didn't want it to color my own response to you.

In keeping with WZB's form, here are the priorities:

  - Show Jack finding the balance between the user and the teacher.
  - Raise the heat level, so the reader will start fantasizing in anticipation of the post-show sex.
  - Show the degree to which Monica has opened up as a result of her association with Jack compared to the first show.

All comments are welcome and appreciated, of course.  My focus is on finding ways to tighten this up and achieve the priorities above.

Jack's balance - With all that you've written, I definitely think he's found his balance. Probably too much. There are points there where the story starts to get steamy, and then it slows down, since the scene is simply too long.

Raising the heat level - yes. I think you're starting us on our roller coaster ride, and it starts to make that rise, as soon as the TV scene ends, and the members of the group at the front [Oh, total aside here, do you really need 18 people? Would it unclutter the scene a bit to drop it to 10 or so?] start to squirm in their seats.

Then, when the 'notist is giving out the commands, I found that pretty hot. Like I was about to crest the rise of the rollercoaster. But then it just hung there - by the time I got through the whole game show, though well-written, the characters are believable and the dialogue is humorous - I'd completely lost all sense of heat.  So, it really depends on what you want out of that scene. Since it's not really moving the story in the direction you're going - Monica is just as much a spectator as your reader is - I'm not sure it's worth keeping at all.

Monica's changing attitude - I'd suggest getting Monica more involved with the riskier parts of hypnotism earlier in the scene. And then prove to her the trust she can have in him, by having Jack forcing her to do something that could be dangerous, but turns out not to be. That make any sense? Maybe take her to the edge - somewhere where she'd go under hypnosis, if Jack didn't stop her. But he does.

I dunno. Just an idea. Since I haven't read your previous stories in years, you may have already done something along those lines.

If you did cut the gameshow scene down somewhat, and had still established the bartender's girlfriend as somewhat of an exhibitionist, AND, borrowing from your idea at the end of the story, perhaps she can be the leader of a political party that likes to expose themselves. It'd certainly heat up the scene.

Chase

[EyeofSerpent]

In keeping with WZB's form, here are the priorities:

  - Show Jack finding the balance between the user and the teacher.
  - Raise the heat level, so the reader will start fantasizing in anticipation of the post-show sex.
  - Show the degree to which Monica has opened up as a result of her association with Jack compared to the first show.

These thoughts as they flow-- WG is a more experienced writer than I am and I'm not thinking to wrap these comments in padding for him. Others take note: don't get worried on WG's behalf of what I say.

Jack is a good protagonist so far. He needs an "end challenge" and this final isn't it. You've put elements in place, but I agree that the final show is about those same elements in a different pattern. Unless something in the pattern is a surprise, do we need to see it again, no matter how clever?

Choices? Either shake the pattern, or push the envelope. If you want to do neither of these, you could skip the final show except in narrative summary, but I think there is too much build-up for that.

The show must go on.

I read the four main characters this way:

 - Jack is dominant and thinks of himself as a predator. He has a quandry or a quest: to balance the user and the teacher.
 - Monica is interested in the strength Jack has, but also isn't sure if his inner self is a strong as the one he shows everyone. Her question is about the man inside. She is very interested in the question of user vs teacher.
 - Claire is daring and very capable of great passion, she likes Jack and thinks she does know the man inside. Perhaps she knows the face he shows is the man inside and doesn't acknowledge the question of user and teacher at all. We may not find out.
 - Ann is posed as an equal to Jack, perhaps only representing a choice Jack hasn't made yet. Ann also might be possible twist ending of some kind. This would always delight, of course. If she is somehow part of Jack's answer, that would also intrigue. The combo of Ann, Monica, and Claire definitely is not aided by the final show. This combo is foreshadowed mysteriously already.

The writing itself is smooth, crisp, and satisfying.

Comments so far above seem pretty good, too.

Most of the finale show is therefore dramatically important, but window-dressing to your story, which shall come down to the three elements you name: Jack's decision, erotic heat, and Monica taking a daring step.

I suspect that you need to alter the Pattern and arrest your readers again. Having set the show pattern, now you break it with a breezy summary narrative that sprinkles heat and good visuals, but also keys the reader to Jack's confidence and the crowd loving his show.

You don't even have to make Jack's decision yet, if you do this.

But you might get both if you do 'breezy summary' for the extra characters and show Monica in detail as reaction to the others and Jack.

My sense is that the public show leads to a "final private show" with Jack, Monica, and Claire in an intimate setting. WG calls this "post show sex" and I agree we as readers want to get there with gusto.

And if Mistress Ann is only a red herring with no impact, that's fine too. She is symbolic of the road not taken.

One of the ways I would enjoy seeing this wrap is Jack pushed off-balance so that we can see him demonstrate balance and control at the last.

Claire, Monica, or Ann could all do things to surprise Jack, or change the final public show, and prep our interest in the final private show.

I hope these ideas are helpful.

[ElSol]

There's two audiences...

1) The hypno-show audience

2) The hypno-erotica story audience

I'm part of the second, you're treating me like a part of the first.

I'm not here for a hypno-show.

If you intend for the effect, then the first audience must become aware of the erotica.


ElSol

[Writerzblocked]

Wow.  I'm certainly impressed.

And now I really feel bad about having to miss the party, though I now see this place is in good hands.

I bet WG's gonna crap when he gets back 

---the only person missing is artie  8)---

WZB

[flibinite]

WZB said -

---the only person missing is artie  ---

Now I'm just hurt... what am I, chopped pate'?  I was gonna post something here, but well -- just nevermind.   

Ok, that bit of fun aside... 

I'll just throw in my two cents quickly, as that's about all they're worth, considering I have not read either of the first two parts of your story, WG.  Obviously, that highly weakens any truly cogent points I can make about the run of the story, in toto (I hope future efforts on this thread are either more one-piece or at least the start of a longer serial, WZB).

I also won't speak to the parts that Eye and ElSol and others have stated more clearly (e.g., I don't see much story conflict or resolution here, not much forward motion, not too much or disjointed eroticism, as Chase said).

One thing I will say, that sort of falls into the "what do you know about it category, so why should I listen to you about it", is the hypnosis, itself.  I know you practice this stuff, WG, and know what works and what doesn't about hypnotism, et. al., whereas I've never been near it, really.  But I'm the reader, and I would think most of your readers fall into my "low-knowledge" category, so I will say this anyway...

I found it hard to buy a lot of the hypnosis, mainly because everyone was just so good at playing their induced parts.  It was all fun, well-written, and well set up, but I thought everyone was just a little too well-versed in saying and acting like something they were not. 

It's as if you grabbed a Bedouin from the Sahara, or wherever, hypnotised them into thinking they were an NFL quarterback, and got them to decently talk about screen passes and picking up the blitz.  Nothing that extreme, mind you, but I would think it'd be very hard to hypnotize a confident, man-of-the-world and get him to act the totally innocent quite so smoothly.

I know it's fiction, and you want to put your best, most-interesting foot forward with your writing (and to match what you've done in the stage shows I didn't read about).  But that was a stop for me, one that I thought I would mention, as it is something a little different than what anyone else had said.

And Eye -- Jeez Louise, Eye... whatever would make you think that anyone would think anything you said to WG was hurtful or uncivil or rude in any way, especially considering the nature of the thread?  I know Alei wouldn't, and it almost hurts me that you might think others of us would, whether we knew how tough WG is or not.  Another unsolicited opinion, and sorry, but that's what I felt when I saw your proviso.

Things aren't that tight or restrictive, and I apologize, as an occasional member of the "nice" police, if anyone else has gotten that impression, too.

         Jo

[EyeofSerpent]

And Eye -- Jeez Louise, Eye... whatever would make you think that anyone would think anything you said to WG was hurtful or uncivil or rude in any way, especially considering the nature of the thread?  I know Alei wouldn't, and it almost hurts me that you might think others of us would, whether we knew how tough WG is or not.  Another unsolicited opinion, and sorry, but that's what I felt when I saw your proviso.

Things aren't that tight or restrictive, and I apologize, as an occasional member of the "nice" police, if anyone else has gotten that impression, too.

         Jo

So my proviso to not think I was tossin' hurt at WG instead almost hurt others?
.-)
The irony is worthy of the EMC fetish itself.

[Wiseguy]

This is awesome.  Thank you so much, everybody.

It looks like we have consensus that I need to do the show, but not in excruciating detail.  What I think I'll do is throw away the show and start over from the point where Monica comes on stage.  Instead of narrating the show, though, I'll stay close to Jack and just quote some highlights, concentrating on Monica's role and showing her getting daring and pushing her own envelope.  That will get Jack's juices going, too.  Then we'll get briskly to the show after the show, which should be that last big loop before the rollercoaster comes to a stop.

It's very reassuing to read Eye's insight into the main characters because what she stated is exactly what I've been going for.  Ann, by the way, is also exactly what you said, Eye -- a symbol of the user unchecked, as Jack could have been.  She also has a small part to play in the finale.

As far as the realism goes, Jo, you'd be surprised how good the subconscious is at winging it.  I've seen people told that the only language they speak is fluent Japanese who don't know a syllable of that language, and their subconscious provided reasonable-sounding gibberish.  It was Japanese enough for them.  In your example, the Bedoin would probably just babble sports cliches without worrying about how accurate they might be.  But the fact that you even thought about that shows that I was definitely focused on the wrong thing.

Thanks again, everyone.  This has been extremely valuable for me.

-wg