04 May 2008

[gyrd]

I can't get off on stories with real people or thinly veiled fictional versions of real people.  Destroys the suspension of disbelief.

[Lucky]

Although the MC/hypnosis elements are so slight that you could blink and miss them, Maximillian Cummings' Mood Enhancement is a promising start to a collegiate romp. Jane's serious/scientific nature reminds me of one of my old girlfriends/story subjects--wildly exaggerated, of course, but great fun. And lots of energetic sex. Ah, for the good old school days when we were either getting laid or thinking about getting laid. Keep the chapters coming, Max!

[fembotheather]

A quick review before bed time:

Honey Chile, by Libertine.
Holy crap this one is hot!
I hope there is part two very soon, I hope for part three and four and...

Or should I just say that this story is hot and I wanna be in it?
It's been my fall back in the past

There may or may not have been small errors in the story somewhere but I was too swept up in it to note them.

That should be review enough

Nite nite
FBH

[Libertine]

Glad I... pushed your buttons, fembotheather.

I plan to write more in that story's universe, though it's not at the top of my list. Can't say when it'll happen.

[Geo]

Read some of the week's offerings today and have some scatterbrained thoughts before I go back to work*; A bit disappointed to see a WP story that wasn't Kerry. When are you going back to Kerry? And what's with the two aliases? I'm newer here, so if you've already explained it, I apologize. As far as this week's offering from him: B/B+. It suffered from problems he's already acknowledged. Don't rush newer works when you've already got such gems waiting to be expanded upon (Kerry, hell even Web Mistress and Rumour Mill could definitely benefit from more).



Jukebox and his thinly (paper thin) veiled references to two of my favorite actresses had some pleasant images stirring. The work was too short. A- (too short).

*Right...work...Anyways. Just some thoughts. And if anyone wants to help motivate me for a little writing project (50-70 pages by the end of the month), I'm definitely in the mood for a pep talk. Or something.

Three Cheerleaders was an experiment in seeing how fast I could crank out a piece of stroke (191 minutes and two edits--18 minutes and 7 minutes).

Kerry is up to issue 9 in finished form, but issue 10 just doesn't read right. I'll probably scrap it, find some way to roll the important stuff into 11, and keep going. I need to make sure it dovetails with The Three Wish War and sets up a future surprise, so I'm moving cautiously. Holiday Special (continuation of Web Mistress) doesn't work as erotic fiction as it sits because it's pretty much a bloodbath. I'm still struggling with making it turn out because I didn't apply the breaks enough while I was writing Web Mistress and left myself little room to manoeuvre. Rumour Mill Book Three... sadly I haven't gotten started on it other than the outline. It won't be as long as book two, but I think that was the big weakness of book two: Sprawl.

As for motivation, the R. Lee Ermey simulator seems to have vanished from the web, so I'll make do with a quote.

I firmly believe that you live and learn, and if you don't learn from past mistakes, then you need to be drug out and shot.

[lisateez]

Three Cheerleaders and a Nerd by William Pratt

Okay, you know with a title like that that the three cheerleaders are going to be getting naked pretty damned quick and this story doesn't disappoint. Would have liked a little more about the stranger but who knows, that might be, as they say, another story.

[Chrystal Wynd]

   The servers are only speaking through mediators right now, but I finally got some stories and I’m ready to say sumpin’. As usual, this is one reader’s opinion and is in no way authoritive.

Battle of the Vampires <mc mf ff fd>
By: Hypnoololook

Story: Good
Composition: Good
Heat: Good
CW rating: 3 ¼ stars

   Not bad if you like vampire stories. Not a big fan myself but I can appreciate a decent fanged story if it’s done well. There are a number of grammar and tense difficulties that are distracting at times. The story is actually well-plotted, although there are a few holes. One of the vampires gets hired at a blood bank. A blood bank! Who the heck is in charge of HR at that place? Way too much tell, although the induction when the protagonist becomes a vampire is well-done. It’s a pretty traditional vampire story, although the end might tug your heartstrings a bit. Not much heat. Vampire fans probably won’t have much to complain about. No vampire bimbos, though. Bah.

Bound by Gray Wraps <mc ff ma>
By: Retta

Story: Excellent!
Composition: Excellent!
Heat: Good
CW rating: 3 ¾ stars

   This story has excellent potential so far. A stage magician with a past and a sister pair of assistants/partners have a traveling magic show. I won’t say anything else because I don’t want to give anything away, but I have to say I like the twist in their act. It’s still early- most of the story was a detailed description of the show- so everything is still being set up, but a mystery stranger has made a dramatic entrance. It moves slow for those who want to jump straight into heat but those who like an actual story should like the set-up here. I’m actually kind of excited about the potential here.

Errant <mc ff sf rb>
By: The Once And Future Kim

Story: Excellent!
Composition: Excellent!
Heat: Good
CW rating: 4 stars

   This one won’t be everybody’s cup of tea. The language is fantastic, but can difficult to follow. You need a Lycanthrope/Mudak type love of words to be able to work through it. This piece is apparently a prelude for a previously written story by the same author, which I am not familiar with, so that may have been part of the difficulty. Pretty decent heat, considering the circumstances. Maybe because of the circumstances. Good story, but be prepared to work for it.
   Congratulations to The Once And Future Kim for winning a 2007 Spiral Award.

CW

<New 3 tier rating system! Needs work…Good…Excellent!>

<4 stars- Excellent   3 stars- Good   2 stars- Needs work   1 star- Poor>

<Cross posted with the Other Place>

[Beta]

"Rachel, The Unwilling Sex Toy" The premise was taken from Darkmind, and the execution pretty lame. Gimicky ultimate power story. You could replace the writing with simple speech without much effort.

I'm not a regular poster, so this probably won't count for much, but I disagree with the above pretty strongly. I really enjoyed this installment of "Rachel," and I was delighted to see this story continuing after a long gap. It's true that it's gimicky . . . but creativity is rarely the point with stroke (which this undeniably is). The story is dark and very hot, with a remorseless focus on the victim's humiliation and no attempt at a moral justification for it. The writing is very good, especially for a first timer, and I really hope to see more of "Rachel" and the author, Katrina_Playmate.

And maybe it's just me, but I can't get enough of the "anything anyone writes on me is true" thing -- I've only seen it in a couple of stories, but it's such a great device, which hasn't yet been used to its full extent in "Rachel."

[Geo]

Thank you, Lisa.

[Darkmind]

And maybe it's just me, but I can't get enough of the "anything anyone writes on me is true" thing -- I've only seen it in a couple of stories, but it's such a great device, which hasn't yet been used to its full extent in "Rachel."

And I didn't even come close to using it to it's full extent, so even if they did get the idea from me (don't know, don't care), they are welcome to explore it.  I rip off and adapt other people's ideas all the time.

Personally, I like to have just a touch more sympathy with the controller in a story: Some reason why I can like them, or support them.  In this story he's just a bastard, with no redeeming qualities to admire.  That is purely personal perspective though.

Also -- while I admire the ingenuity of the bastard -- I can't help but think that he would be saving himself some work (as well as closing a possible loophole that could bite him in the ass) if he'd just put the two commands he tattooed on in the subliminals, instead of what he did put.

[fembotheather]

Reading Libertine's "Honey Chile" I was reminded of the 70's film "Invasion of The Bee Girls" and an episode of "Spiderman and his Amazing friends" called Swarm.

Who can forget Invasion of the Bee girls?

[katrina_playmate]

Sorry to say Darkmind, but I'd never read one of your stories until I was accused of ripping you off! You're correct though, I did make the subliminal redundant in the second installment. It was because I wanted to have Rachel interact with other people.
Of course, as soon as I posted the story, I thought of a better way to do it. I'll probably end up backtracking in the next story!

I'm glad you enjoyed it Beta, thanks for the comment.

[Darkmind]

Sorry to say Darkmind, but I'd never read one of your stories until I was accused of ripping you off! You're correct though, I did make the subliminal redundant in the second installment. It was because I wanted to have Rachel interact with other people.
Of course, as soon as I posted the story, I thought of a better way to do it. I'll probably end up backtracking in the next story!

No problem.  You can make it up to me by reading them all now.   

The redundant actually doesn't bug me as much as the why question: Why use this form of control?  What does it gain this guy over any other form?  About the only reason I can think of for why he would want to give those particular suggestions would be to open her up to other people's control, but so far he's shown no signs of wanting to do that.  (In fact, he's been fairly proprietary.)

So the net effect is that she has a loophole where if she can get someone else to realize they can control her as well, they might be able to get her away from him.  Other than that he hasn't really gained anything from just programming her to 'Obey and protect the first person who says 'scantilicious' to you.'  (Or whatever.)

He's bright enough to figure out how to get this to work, so why can't he figure out a way to get what he wants without obvious loopholes?

That said: It's a well-written story.  I've basically got two bugs with it (the above, and the fact that there aren't any characters I like as people), but neither has anything to do with how well you write, just that it doesn't sit well in my head.

[thegreengoblin]

Break out the blonde wigs and giggle fits fellow spacemen, it's time for The Bimbo Review!  My usual plan of waiting a few days for the thoughts about the stories to digest isn't working well.  It buries TBR about 3 pages deep in the thread and DollMistress beat me to posting a point about Countermove that I really wanted to nail its ass to the wall about.  I should have gone with my original plan of watching Yahtzee's video game reviews for at least 15 minutes straight. 

This week authors have made me closely examine the line between a bimbo story and a plain, old MC story where a girl's brain is bent into having sex with things.  I wouldn't have to do that but so many of you ARE DANCING TOO CLOSE TO THE LINES LATELY.  Huff, huff, tizzy.  Rigid definitions don't work in this field, so we'll say that the reduction of intelligence to go with the sexy MC changes should be at least a secondary focus and not simply mentioned in passing.  Aw, drop its int and fuck it.  I'll review them too. 

Countermove Chapter 10: *sigh*  Listen, baby.  We've been together for quite a few site updates now and you're great.  You're really, really great.  I just...well, you told me you were a slut story and not a bimbo story and I opened my mind to that and was OK with it.  But now you're making these life decisions that I really don't think I can follow you on.  You are who you are and I am who I am and if that's the way you're going to go, I really can't follow you.  *sniff* I...I really don't think we should see each other anymore. 

I know the board already called Crystal Wynd on the ending but let me say I was hit three times harder than any of you.  It was both-hands-grabbing-hair-from-the-side disappointment.  Countermove tugged at many of my tastes at once including the non-sexual ones like watching wrestling, and the sexual ones like watching wrestling.  Oh and the bimbification was spectacular.  Onyx wasn't made, altered, or transformed into a bimbo during the nine chapters, she was masterfully sculpted.  Reading chapter 10 felt like Crystal's assistant came in to chip a tiny pebble off the left small toe and knocked the whole thing over. 

So, you've all gangbanged the ending, how about the middle.  Onyx looks in a mirror.  I trembled with anticipation, hoping to see any of Tyger's final changes.  After all, Onyx is her masterpiece and I wanted to see the end result, hopefully another description of breasts larger than before that I like so much.  I got hair and an overall description.  Well, at least she was described as a helpless plaything of those around her.  Gee, hope to see more of that later in the story.  *sob*

Championship match.  Yeah, yeah, wrestling.  Blah, blah, pins.  Get to the heat.  OOOOOOo! Nice move Tyger, triggering her fantasies and all.  That was great.  Do it again.  Dammit.  NO TIME LIMIT?  Loser gets her sex bits pounded indefinitely?  (It's a bit Machiavellian to limit us to 5-minute heat all story long to make the last match better, but hey.)  OOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHO, this is going to be ~AWESOME~.  Match over, yes...handcuffs...vibrators...nipple clips...and...an ellipsis?  DAMMIT!  The hottest scene this story could have served up wasn't going to happen and now the 63-hour lesbian orgy is canceled too?  FUCK! 

Ignoring what readers want and sticking to the story you want to tell won't make you popular, but it makes you a damn good author for sticking to your story with integrity and discipline.  Everyone with expertise in writing talks about plot and character and grammar and tense and editing but the make-a-good-writer skill I do know about is GUTS and you need no advice from me.  Writing the ending like that against the will of the emails you got must have been harder than making Marty gay.

On the other hand, this story needs an alternate ending.  It was so compelling all the way through that emotions ran too high and your readers really had a vested interest in seeing certain things happen.  We have no more right to ask for that than HP fans have a right to ask for Dumbledore's resurrection.  Well, we can dream and my dreams will be of all the ways the alternate ending can play out. 

Three Cheerleaders and a Nerd:  Bless you, William Pratt.  I don't have time to read a novel every time I want to get off (are there even that many hours in a day?) so I try reading anything that manages to end in 1 chapter.  Wand, quick.  Stranger, good.  Titties, big.  MC, kinda there.  For all we know their libidos just got stronger than their wills but whatever.  There could be improvements in both the story and the heat but this was a speed piece from the beginning so be glad you get a rise out of it at all. 

Loosing Up: I want to order someone to please edit Mian's stories the way a crime boss orders his thugs please make the wisecracking hero shut the hell up.  I suppose that day will have to wait until I either become fluent in Mian's first language or become the Grand Pimp of All Stroke Writing and my army of edit hoes can be dispatched on a whim. 

This story has some pretty good imagery and body transformation and I thought it would finally bimbify except at the end the girls are using some pretty high-level vocabulary about ordering product for the store and that defeats the purpose of bimboization--they aren't supposed to function.  It's like transforming a wrestler's body from that of a hard athlete into one of soft curves but she still wins matches. 

In the end, trying to read through Mianderthal grammar takes the heat out of the story.  I feel like I'm trying to discipline a teenager (not in that way, quit staring at me) with the same words over and over again that just go unheeded: "You have good ideas, really know what to do to women in your stories and a have a lot of potential but your writing needs a lot of technical work." 

**
So there it is, three stories this week each with 1/3 of a bimbification.  I never thought to ask anyone *why* they review stories and I'd love to hear it.  I'll share first because...well I'm posting right now.  I do this because I hope that by putting audience--not expert--opinion out there, it will serve as market research to make more and better bimbo stories.  Granted I'm going to endanger that whole concept if I accidentally learn anything about writing from reading a message board by and for authors but until that day I will fight for the cause.  Review till your dreams come true. 

[Katrina_Funfair]

Lol, the why is easy: I thought it would be a fun story. It's certainly no better or more effective or even more sensible than just telling her to do stuff, but I liked the imagery of having her scrawled all over.
I'm not going to go into the loopholes. Any one of them could end up being a plot point later on.

[Darkside007]

Why do you have an alt account?

[Katrina_Funfair]

Why not?

[Darkside007]

Why not?

Hassle, switching back and forth, no?

[Chrystal Wynd]

   A tip for authors and potential authors: always add a disclaimer at the beginning of your story stating that anyone reading your tale must be 18 or older. If you have multiple chapters in your story, add the disclaimer at the top of each chapter. If you are contacted by a reader who is under 18 or you suspect is under 18, do not discuss your story or any other story with that reader. This is for your own protection.
   My public service announcement is finished. Back to the regularly scheduled reviews. As usual, this is one reader’s opinion and is in no way authoritive.

Three Cheerleaders and a Nerd <mc mf ff md gr>
By: William Pratt

Story: Good
Composition: Good
Heat: Excellent!
CW rating: 3 ¾ stars

   Woohoo! Now this is what I’m talking about! A guy with one magic wand, two penises and three cheerleaders! Is this a great country or what?!? Yes, I enjoyed the hell out of this story. Great heat. Short, hot, fun and the magic wand gives big boobs to cheerleaders! Koomba!
   There were a few technical issues in the story…nothing overwhelming. A few spelling errors, such as the guy on the park bench who had the “beast” seat in the house (I know, I know, spellcheck would miss that one, but it did have me wondering what the hell the guy was doing with an alleged beast when there were three cheerleaders there. I’m just saying). Also, a few story-telling issues. It was difficult at times to be sure which cheerleader the hair color descriptions applied to, and the hair descriptions and cheerleader hierarchy drama- while interesting- went on through the entire story and didn’t have any bearing on the plot, particularly not when said cheerleaders were about to get nakey and friendly. Also, despite plot not being a major consideration for this story, I would have liked to have had the man in the suit explained just a little bit. However, if there are going to be future chapters of this story, the lack of explanation is a non-issue. Despite the above, this is a pretty well-written story. Bimbo fans should enjoy it, as well as any man who has ever wanted two penises. Hmmm…women who have wanted to be with a man who has two penises may like it as well, come to think of it.

Red Shod Girl <mc>
By: Sacrip

Story: Excellent!
Composition: Good
Heat: Needs work
CW rating: 3 ¾ stars

   Another fun little story. Probably a guilty pleasure, but I really enjoyed this one! Roommate revenge stories always have a fun edge to them and, for me, this one delivers. The roommates are characterized well and they feed into the plot perfectly, so the shoes aren’t just a random magic item…they develop directly from the roommates’ personalities/lifestyles. There are some minor grammar usage issues but nothing overwhelming…the story is very readable. The Shirley Temple part was hysterical and strangely hot. There is little heat to speak of, however, aside from the humiliation aspect and this is probably the only area I would say was lacking. If the shoes could force the girl to  Heh. If there are going to be more chapters, however, then this may just be a build-up towards that end. Humiliation fans will enjoy this one. Induction fans and magic-item hating readers probably won’t appreciate this for the entertainment it is.

Queen Cleopatra: Moving Story <mc mf fd>
By: The OverMind

Story: Good
Composition: Excellent!
Heat: Good
CW rating: 3 ½ stars

   Not a bad fd story from a pretty decent wordsmith. I quite enjoyed the opening paragraph about London- no MC or heat, granted, but excellent prose. The protagonist- Queen Cleopatra- has potential. She’s fairly well characterized and can be more than what she shows here. The story is well-written but suffers from a lack of originality. I was expecting more but the story fell into the fd formula that another author follows. Good induction, though…fd non-consensual induction fans should be delighted. Not much heat but good erotic potential, so not complaining much there. Literature fans should appreciate the first two paragraphs and induction fans should like the story. Bimbo fans? Well, not so much. No vampires or dancing slutbunnies, either. Still, not bad for it and the potential to be better is present, so I suspect Queen Cleopatra’s future appearances may be worth checking out as well.

CW

<New 3 tier rating system! Needs work…Good…Excellent!>

<4 stars- Excellent   3 stars- Good   2 stars- Needs work   1 star- Poor>

<Cross posted with the Other Place>

[hypnoololook]

   The servers are only speaking through mediators right now, but I finally got some stories and I’m ready to say sumpin’. As usual, this is one reader’s opinion and is in no way authoritive.

Battle of the Vampires <mc mf ff fd>
By: Hypnoololook

Story: Good
Composition: Good
Heat: Good
CW rating: 3 ¼ stars

   Not bad if you like vampire stories. Not a big fan myself but I can appreciate a decent fanged story if it’s done well. There are a number of grammar and tense difficulties that are distracting at times. The story is actually well-plotted, although there are a few holes. One of the vampires gets hired at a blood bank. A blood bank! Who the heck is in charge of HR at that place? Way too much tell, although the induction when the protagonist becomes a vampire is well-done. It’s a pretty traditional vampire story, although the end might tug your heartstrings a bit. Not much heat. Vampire fans probably won’t have much to complain about. No vampire bimbos, though. Bah.

thanks for the write up   When typing a story, I tend to let my fingers type a word without thinking about it.  When done, I put the story aside for a while, then try and reread it to catch simple things like saying me instead of my.  But no matter how many times you proof read something, you always seem to catch more errors after submitting it because your caught up in the story and your eyes read what you wanted to say, not what you said.

hypnoOLOlook

[robotunit8]

Why do I review?
Simple, its a lot quicker than emailing all the authors in turn!

[thegreengoblin]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!  I GET IT!  "COUNTERMOVE!"  The ending makes some kind of literary sense now and ties all the way back to Onyx's initial descriptions.  I'm going to go smash my head into things now. 

[fembotheather]

One more review tonight:

Dual Shudder, By Mesmeri.

I'm going to just go with my fallback of saying: This is a hot story and I want to be in it.

The build up is great. Even though I know all along what is going to happen in the end I just need to keep reading and when it's done I want more.

That is what it's all about.

I want there to be a sequel 

FBH

[Chrystal Wynd]

Countermove Chapter 10: *sigh*  Listen, baby.  We've been together for quite a few site updates now and you're great.  You're really, really great.  I just...well, you told me you were a slut story and not a bimbo story and I opened my mind to that and was OK with it.  But now you're making these life decisions that I really don't think I can follow you on.  You are who you are and I am who I am and if that's the way you're going to go, I really can't follow you.  *sniff* I...I really don't think we should see each other anymore. 

I know the board already called Crystal Wynd on the ending but let me say I was hit three times harder than any of you.  It was both-hands-grabbing-hair-from-the-side disappointment.  Countermove tugged at many of my tastes at once including the non-sexual ones like watching wrestling, and the sexual ones like watching wrestling.  Oh and the bimbification was spectacular.  Onyx wasn't made, altered, or transformed into a bimbo during the nine chapters, she was masterfully sculpted.  Reading chapter 10 felt like Crystal's assistant came in to chip a tiny pebble off the left small toe and knocked the whole thing over. 

So, you've all gangbanged the ending, how about the middle.  Onyx looks in a mirror.  I trembled with anticipation, hoping to see any of Tyger's final changes.  After all, Onyx is her masterpiece and I wanted to see the end result, hopefully another description of breasts larger than before that I like so much.  I got hair and an overall description.  Well, at least she was described as a helpless plaything of those around her.  Gee, hope to see more of that later in the story.  *sob*

Championship match.  Yeah, yeah, wrestling.  Blah, blah, pins.  Get to the heat.  OOOOOOo! Nice move Tyger, triggering her fantasies and all.  That was great.  Do it again.  Dammit.  NO TIME LIMIT?  Loser gets her sex bits pounded indefinitely?  (It's a bit Machiavellian to limit us to 5-minute heat all story long to make the last match better, but hey.)  OOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHO, this is going to be ~AWESOME~.  Match over, yes...handcuffs...vibrators...nipple clips...and...an ellipsis?  DAMMIT!  The hottest scene this story could have served up wasn't going to happen and now the 63-hour lesbian orgy is canceled too?  FUCK! 

Ignoring what readers want and sticking to the story you want to tell won't make you popular, but it makes you a damn good author for sticking to your story with integrity and discipline.  Everyone with expertise in writing talks about plot and character and grammar and tense and editing but the make-a-good-writer skill I do know about is GUTS and you need no advice from me.  Writing the ending like that against the will of the emails you got must have been harder than making Marty gay.

On the other hand, this story needs an alternate ending.  It was so compelling all the way through that emotions ran too high and your readers really had a vested interest in seeing certain things happen.  We have no more right to ask for that than HP fans have a right to ask for Dumbledore's resurrection.  Well, we can dream and my dreams will be of all the ways the alternate ending can play out.   

Thank you for the comments, green goblin.

Yes, I've taken a beating on the ending. A lot of it is because of exactly what you pointed out...unfulfilled potential, particularly with the unseen unlimited prize round. Unfortunately, a family member had a medical emergency this week and I lost a lot of writing time. I was still writing Saturday night at midnight and I didn't want to risk missing the cut, so I had to skip something, and the prize round was it. In hindsight, I should have just taken the hit for two weeks.

Although the two weeks would have improved the chapter, I don't think it would have changed the ending by much. The theme to the story was reversals. Shannon was an expert at reversing holds, she was trying to reverse her situation...even the story title was "Countermove" (originally it was "Reversal" but it felt like I was overdoing it, so I changed it to "Countermove"). At the end, her attitude was reversing. The figure four leg lock was a flashback to the beginning of the story. I like the foreshadowing thing with the beginning and end of a story, even when it's cheesy....

Don't smash your head into things! You're leading the lynch mob that's after me! They need a leader.

Thanks again for the comments, particularly in reference to the writing integrity observation. I appreciate that.

CW

[Darkside007]

You *can* rewrite and resubmit that chapter, you know